world of my own

He wishes for cloths of heaven

2008-01-06T18:36:00.000+08:00

He wishes for cloths of heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet;
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet,
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats

2008-01-06T18:34:00.000+08:00

I thought the last post of a poem will be an apt one. in the past two years, dreams had become a great part of my life. And I like the poem by William Butler Yeats, especially the last line, "Tread softly because you tread on my dreams"

This blog will vanish soon. (:

reflections for 2007

2007-12-31T11:54:00.000+08:00

Its the last day of the year 2007, the end of the year. But for me, it seems as if the year 2007 ended after nationals, after A levels, after graduation night.

In the last 2 years, three things occupied my mind. Canoeing, Guides and studies. Canoeing, the team, always the biggest priority, a second chance, for the team... whatever the reason is I threw my heart into it. I cannot say that I believed all the time, I cannot say that I wasn't without fear, I couldn't say that I was always optimistic. But strangely, I seem to know that I'm past that now. Past my own shortcomings and I believe the next time, it'll be different. I know what it is like to believe wholeheartedly, I know what it is like to be without fear, I know how I'll be able to turn pessimism to optimism.

Just like 2 years ago, the results made me wept. Yiwen used to talk about the icing and the cake. The results are the icing, the cake is the process. How well she had drilled it into us. And I know, I do know, but all the same, it takes time to accept that. A part of me is still trying to figure out why we didn't get the icing. Someday I'll know.

Canoeing opened me to new activites, new things that I never thought I'll be able to do. 1000 push ups in one day, pull ups, racing, even the marathon, an indirect result of canoeing. and best of all, canoeing gave me a team. not just a team but a wonderful team. It is, the best experience I could take away.

Guides shouldn't come laden with guilt, but it does. Guilty for not having the time to assist them. Guilty because I was trusted with them and in many ways I've failed to deliver. And also alot of questions. A lot alot of questions. How best to help them, how best to assist them. Alot of groping around in the dark trying to find the answers and recalling from memory the lessons u've taught us... see if it could be applied. But Guides has always been a warm and vibrant place, and there were times when it was very uplifting. It was my honour to have seen them through so many years.

Studies were never a great priority till this year. As long as I didn't do badly my mum wouldn't bother me. The standards I set for myself were simple and I didn't wish for more. The first part of last year, I strugged with the A level curriculum. Used to the free and easy way of IP, I found the A level syllabus suffocating. Everything was centered around the A level, there was little room for experiment, exploration, creativity.

A year later I was used to it. A year later, I watched coach carter. A year later I clung onto the idea of a student athelete. I think we all struggled through lectures and tutorials, battling sleep demons. We all experienced the dread when we faced the mountains of tutorials and worksheets. Studying and training together was tough but the experience is something I'll never forget. Together in classrooms, in canteen, the long hours. the frustrations, the sleep... I chionged prelims and got surprisingly good results. A levels was less intense in comparison except for the 4 papers in 2 days. I've put away my books for more than a month now. But in truth we've stopped learning since August. I miss it. I miss the intellectual stimulation.

When canoeing stopped in July, I had elections to settle. To meet the new kids and say goodbye to the ones leaving. Then was Prelims and chioging desperately for exams. But it was this time that I truly had time to think and reflect. In the past one year half I had neglected my family and friends. So absorbed I was I didn't take notice of what was happening around me. My brother grew up, my sis became more like my younger sis... my mum, my dad... my classmates, my ex-schoolmates...

And so I made a vow. If there comes something else that I throw my heart into, I would always keep time and energy for other happenings around me. Thats probably one big takeaway from this year.

Thought more about what I wanted to do after a levels. things like courses, unis, work, money... also what to do for the environment, what to do for society.

In the past 2 years, I think I grew up abit more. Now, I'm becoming to think more like an adult, less like a kid. How sad...

I'll see how 2008 goes. It'll be hectic, maybe even exciting, but definitely interesting. Let's hope I find something to do before i get restless. (:

Last of all, thank you to everyone whom I've interacted with in the past few years. No matter what impact you've made, (good or bad), its a valuable experience for me and I do treasure it. Thank you to those who've helped me along the way, stood with me and supported me. Teachers, family, friends.

May the year 2008 bring blessings and be fruitful for all.

.........................................

Its time to leave this blog. All the hopes and dreams, and all the sadness... I've cleared whatever i wanted to clear. well, most of it. Its about leaving, about closing a chapter of your life and knowing you're moving on. Its about safekeeping your memories behind and locking them in. I say goodbye with a peaceful heart. (:

China/Vietnam trip

2007-12-30T14:02:00.000+08:00

It was a 9 day trip but we spent 4 whole days travelling. Travelling took up much of the time we spent in vietnam and china. Going from one place to another took an average of 3 to 4 hours. The actual sightseeing was only 1 to 2 hours.

On the flight back, I encoutered my worst turbulence. Within a split second, many people flew out of their seats.

In Hanoi, a trishaw took us around the centre of the city. Motorcycles formed the bulk of the traffic. The roads were strewn with rubbish despite the city's cleaners that seemed to work through the night. It was really a very busy city.

A street in Hanoi.

We went off to Halong Bay to see the limestone rock formations and a cave. But the weather was really cold and a mist covered the rocks in the distance, obscuring our view.

One of the caves in Halong Bay

After one night in Halong we were driven off to the border of China and Vietnam. The road there was small and horrible and the bus jerked and jostled constantly. There were times when it even swayed dangerously from side to side.

When we crossed the border, we met our Chinese tour guide, Bobo who is a minority individual. She's from the Yao 族. My brother and I had a shock when we met her. Cause she had on pretty heavy makeup, bright red lipstick, a bright light blue long jacket and she was carrying a colourful "lantern" or 绣球. She was an abnormal splash of colour amidst the dull and grey skies of China. In the next 4 days, we got to know more about her and the more I knew, the more impressed I was.

We spent the first night in China in 南宁 the capital of Guangxi. It was a big city with lots of bright lights. Much brighter than Singapore. The 4th day we travelled 4 hours by bus to 德天瀑布 and then we travelled 4 hours back to 南宁.

The waterfall that straddles Vietnam and China. On the left bank is Vietnam and the right is China.

We moved house the next day.

On the 5th day, we moved to the city of 桂林 to 游山玩水. When we first arrived, we went to a tea house, walked around some garden, and got a foot massage. 桂林 was really cold that time we went there and even with the big jacket and gloves my fingers were still chilled. At night, we went to watch 梦幻漓江. The stage and lighting was fantastic and the music complemented the acrobatics play and ballet very well. It was an hour of great performance. Then we went to see the night lights of 桂林 which were really very beautiful. Crossing the road in 桂林 is one of the most exciting things that happend on this trip. Traffic came from all sides and the motorists were going pretty fast. It was very difficult to cross. But thanks to our 导游 we managed it. This night was freezing and the photos we took all didn't have fingers cause we stuffed them into our jackets.

榕杉湖风景区. The lake becomes a mirror reflecting the bridge and the trees

Guilin at night

On the 6th day, we toured 桂林 to see what the city looked like in the day. I thought the water level in the lake was too low to form a picturesque scene. Then we went to 流三姐 garden and watched a performance. Then we took a bus to 阳朔. I quote Bobo, "桂林山水甲天下, 阳朔山水甲桂林" . Upon reaching we went down to 漓江 to look at the moutains. The reflection was really nice but I was really very very cold at that point in time to care for the scenery around me. Both my hands and feet were freezing. I really admired the locals who dressed so thinnly but didn't seem affected by the cold. At night we watched 映象流三姐 which sadly failed to meet my expectations. After so much hype about it, I expected much more.

Touring 漓江 on bamboo constructed boats

The 7th day saw us going to 桂林银子岩. It was really very pretty. And surprisingly it was very warm inside. After 5 mins in the cave we all took off our jackets. But I don't have a great liking for caves and after half an hour I was wanting to get out. Then we went to look at some mountains and tried to imagine them as camels, bears, ladies, immortals, horses and elephants. It took quite a bit of imagination. We toured 漓江 on some boat. On very still water, you could see the reflection of the mountains on the water, as if there were mountains in the water too. That day we spent a night at 贺州.

One of the most spectacular view in 银子岩. The still water forms a perfect mirror such that it looked like there was a canyon below.

漓江

On the 8th day we went to 姑婆山. its like some nature park but we dint spend alot of time there. Moreover, someone from our tour group fell sick, almost fainted. The weather was cold and we were invited to sample some wine. 9%, 18% and 38%. There were even higher percentages but I took one sip of the 38% one and put the cup down. It was like the alcohol used to sterilize labs. That day was very cold. Temperature dropped to 6 degree celsius. The lady had to be sent to hospital and put on drip. She would meet us at the airport the next day. That night we went to 肇庆.

Jars of wine at 姑婆山

肇庆 was big and prosperous. Traffic was much better too although their zebra crossings work differently from Singapore's. We shopped there on the last day and also had a chance to sit a boat through the lake in the centre of the city. And then it was a 2 hour bus ride to 广州 airport and back to Singapore.

It is good to be back.

My tour guide is cool cause she's from 2 minority groups, one is Yao. Yao is a 母系社会. A matriachal society. These people live to ripe old ages. 65, 85, even 100 is not uncommon. I would call them healers for they have great medical knowledge that has been passed down over the years. She told us alot of stories, not just of Guilin but of Xizhang as well. She's charming but she's fierce. When our driver is missing, she will not hesitate to yell across the street for him, attracting stares from many. She has inheritable heart disease and is a person with important connections which got on the list as the 59th out of 60 people to get an artificial heart transplant. When she talks about Guilin, Xizhang or her homeland, you can hear the pride in her voice, the pride of being a citizen of China.

As my dad said, we merely toured a small part of Guilin and we spent most of the time travelling. If we really want to tour Guilin, we need a long time and probably not with a tour group. Travelling is really tiring. The good thing is that I had my brother for company on the bus and we exchanged stupid comments and interesting observations. A lot of people mistook me for the elder sis and my sis for the younger sis, much to my amusement and her indignant. But it's alright, in many ways she's still more mature than me.

The sign on the toilet door at Guangzhou airport.

The toilets in China were okay I guess. Nowhere near as good as Singapore's, but bearable when nature calls. It was just 2 or 3 times that we encoutered toilets without doors. Although most of the times doors for toilets don't work. One wonders why they bother making them in the first place.

The 5 of us.

My bro doesn't smile in the photos. So in most of the photos he looked like some 不爽流氓. I was hard pressed to get him to smile. When I asked him why, he said he didn't look good when he smiled. -.-"

My bro, me and my sis.

merry christmas

2007-12-20T10:52:00.000+08:00

I think that I like this photo alot.
Thank you rafflescanoing 06/07 for the wonderful memories.

.......................

Flying off tomorrow and coming back on the 29th. that means ill miss christmas in singapore. first time ever in 18 years of my life.

I always wanted a christmas tree at home. That had been my little childhood dream. I'll imagine having a huge green fir tree and decorating it with bells, toys and a fairy on top. Probably the result of too much Enid Blyton.

Merry christmas to one and all. In this festive season, let's forgive, forget, be kind to everyone and have a blessed christmas.

Hope when the new year comes the 12 of us can meet up again, cause I really miss you all so and I can't wait to hear stories of your holidays.

.....................

2007 is almost nearing its end. 2 years in rjc has flown past. i had been foolish once but i've since come to terms with the people. now all that's left is for me to come to terms with myself. perhaps the hardest to do.

competitive canoeing, i think for me has come to a close. I won't say definitely because who knows what the future may bring but for now, i'm willing to let it go. Whatever that happened at nats was not a good representation of the effort we've put in. but i've come to terms with that. its not that i've given up believing in hard work or that i'm running away from it, but more that i've found what i was looking for.

merry christmas (:

team photo

2007-12-12T22:27:00.000+08:00

farewell

2007-12-10T12:11:00.000+08:00

One year ago, we took these little kids out to row. one year later they are now taking little kids out to row.

I think I can say for the j2 girls team that we trust the j1 girls. We trust you all will be good to the juniors, respect everyone in the team, fight with integrity, conviction and faith, and uphold the good name of raffles canoeing.

Hm mhm.. its just goodnight and not goodbye.

nothing gold can stay

2007-12-07T21:28:00.000+08:00

Nothing Gold Can Stay
by Robert Frost

Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

.............................

reading bewoulf now. i didn't know neil gaiman could write like that. i haven't read a fantasy story as gripping as that in a long time.

how cruel Daisy was to Gatsby. And how besotted and devoted Gatsby was. Was he foolish? To wait and pine for a love that betrayed him in the end.

F. Scott Fitzgerald really writes beautifully.

prom.

2007-12-05T16:49:00.000+08:00

Grad night/prom is over.

I got my hair straightened because I wanted at least once in my lifetime to experience what it is like to have nice straight hair that doesn't curl up all over the place. The feeling is quite nice.

I was momentarily stunned when I entered Swiss Hotel. Everyone looked so grown up, so different. And then the photo taking began.

Perhaps because time is short, the people you know are many. People whom have made an impact in your life, in ways big and small. There's no time to sit down and catch up and talk, there might not come a chance in the future for such a thing to happen. So perhaps that's why the cameras flash non-stop... to capture the memory before it can slip away.

Everyone looked good.

Once upon a December...

I love the melody of this song.

When we look back, we will remember it as once upon a december... we were thus....

.......................................

If I could turn back the clock, I'll turn it back to the very first day I stepped through the gates of the statue of Athena at RGS and began my 6 years in a Rafflesian family. All the laughter, the joy and yes, even the tears, the pain, I will take... just to hold on to the memory a bit longer....

but life is not meant to be travelled backwards. We look onwards to the future.

There were "thank yous" and "take cares" that were unspoken.... too fast a click of the camera and we move on. It's not meant to be such. We know that we do care... we just live too quickly to stop in our tracks.

Perhaps our lives are like silken threads and each of us a unique colour. Somtimes, our paths may cross and the threads intertwine. Altogether, a colourful tapestry will be woven.

To the graduating Rafflesian batch of 2007 AND all members of the Rafflesian family, my utmost Thanks for all the wonderful memories and learning experiences.

............................

And it is almost time to say goodbye here. When I started writing here, I truly meant it to be a place where I can store the experiences in rj... as skii said, we've finally closed the rjc chapter of our lives... its also about time to leave.

although not quite yet...

somethings have yet to be concluded....

soon. i hope.

........................................

the wispy silk of the gown trailed the last guests out of the ballroom. the muffled bang of the last footsteps sounded sharply on the carpeted floor. The cameras flashed one last time at the lingering crowd as the men and ladies trooped out of the ballroom.

And all that is left is the faint whiff of perfume not quite blending in with the smell of unfinished food...

......................................

my poor feet is suffering from too much walking. let's see. ran to schl on 23rd, hiked frm btnr to macritchie on 30th, ran/walked 42.195km on sun and walked arnd in heels ytd...

today's weather matched my mood.

garden city

2007-12-03T22:17:00.000+08:00

Garden City

Let there be trees, the man said, and lo and behold,
there were trees – rain trees, angsanas, flames of the forest,
causarinas, traveller’s palms and more – springing up against
the steel and concrete of the expanding city.
Even as the true towers of the city climbed higher
and higher for the heavens, the trees were planted, replanted,
transplanted, watered, fertilised, and groomed to grow
and grow. They appeared overnight, abandoned the
chaos of jungle, bent to the will of man, grew in straight lines,
in squares and rectangles, in allocated corners,
in car parks, along highways, outside banks and buildings,
faithful to the commandments of urban developers.
The hard lines of architecture were softened,
the rain did fall, the green did gently, gently grow,
and in his seventieth year, the man was pleased,
as he rested, as he viewed his work, as he felt the weight
of a nation’s soil run slowly through his old green hands.

By Gilbert Koh

Feeling melancholy for some reason. Feeling abit like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. No matter how you try it just doesn't fit nicely. Perhaps its time to look for where the square hole is.

42.195km was completed yesterday.

Prom is tomorrow.

marathon

2007-12-02T20:34:00.000+08:00

Yesterday my mum told me to sleep early. But I watched Prince hours till 930 before finally going to bed. Surprisingly I slept soundly till morning came. Then I was plagued by images of what I thought the marathon would be like. I imagined myself at the start.. running etc.

I was almost late for my bus.. ate my breakfast. pinned on my tagged. tied on my chip.

When we alighted i was amazed by the number of people there already. apparently there are about 12 000 people running the full marathon. that is really alot.

It was nice running together. (: I think running alone would have been very much more torturous and painful.

The first 2 hours was really cold. The wind was strong and the sun was not up yet. I wasn't expending enough energy to warm myself... so had to suffer the cold for like 2 hours.

We took ten minutes to reach the start point. that was the number of people around. At that time the moon was still high up in the sky and everyone's spirits were high. People were talking... joking... chionging... The first 14km passed with a good pace.

Then after that was going to East Coast... I think the East Coast run passed in a blur... It was just going on and on and on... then coming back. By then the sun was high up in the sky. And I was effectively sunburnt. I haven't looked like this colour since canoeing...

I think about half of the population running was injured in some way or another... or otherwise had a persistent pain somewhere... Not uncommon in running such a long distance. There were some that were really serious and had to seek medical help.

there were female, males, young old... many many people. and even though near the end everyone was dying but it was still admirable and damn cool to be running/walking beside all these people.

Reason for running:
To acquire boasting rights (swagger [or rather stagger around] with the finisher shirt)
To celebrate life and living.

Truthfully, it all passed in a blur. At that point in time it felt really painful... but there never was a time where it crossed my head to throw in the white towel. I knew that I would cross the line... sooner or later... Looking back... 42.195km isnt that bad after all... even if it took 7 hours to complete. Its just alot of endurance, optimism and belief....

Now that the marathon is finally over it feels kinda empty. Not unlike the feeling when As ended... Finally no more forcing myself to put on my running shoes and run down that slope.. No more having to choose which path to run or time how long to run. Now I can run however long I want without the prospects of having to 'train' looming over my head.

Its quite addictive. I wanna do it again. Perhaps two hours less next time. (:

Congratulations to everyone who crossed the finishing line today. Whether you are running Standard Chartered full, half, 10km or even kids dash. You are a winner (:

2007-11-28T20:26:00.000+08:00

when I was still a little girl, I used to fantasize about living in the library. One of my greatest desire was to one day be able to stay permanently in the library. Then I'll be able to read all the books I want and I wish to. As the years passsed and things came along, I chucked reading aside. If I could I'll have a whole collectibles of classic stories...

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing. Perhaps I shouldn't think so much and just take things as it come. Trust and believe it will all work out in the end. There's some chinese saying about how the world is so big, theres definitely a place for everyone...

Should I just let it go and forget about it?

And there are still loose ends to tie up.

是非题 by 范玮琪

2007-11-27T22:52:00.000+08:00

是非题 by 范玮琪

每段故事都有一篇剧情
每段爱情都像动人旋律
一颗真心却只向着你前进
也许爱越单纯越着迷

你是窗外另外一片风景
在你眼里我是什么关系
你的呼吸藏在我的爱情里
何时能诚实面对自己

我们从不开口那个言语
那一句我爱你
永远像少了勇气
别人都说
我和你之间的关系
没有人相信只有关心

我们从不正视那个问题
那一些是非题
总让人伤透脑筋
我会期待
爱情盛开那一个黎明
一定会有美丽的爱情

you asked me to listen to this song. and i did. since you won't say it out. i'll say out the lyrics for you. (: I wish that we be forever happy.

To the dragon boaters

2007-11-26T21:44:00.000+08:00

My condolences and sympathies....

When my mum first told me of the news I was stunned. The rowing community has always been a close knitted one and as a canoeist, we've had our encounters with dragon boaters.

I remember the times in MacRitchie where the sky would suddenly open up and start to pour. Then, the siren would sound and everyone would rush back to the shore in the pouring rain. The pontoon would be a frantic mess as rowers scrambled onshore. Once we've settled our equipment, we would always immediately do a headcount. Check the k2 pairs, the k1 kids, the t1ers.. whether all the jnrs were up too. I would never rest easily till I knew that all of us had come onshore.. and I'm sure many of my teammates felt the same too...

I can only imagine the frantic worrying the dragon boaters must have experienced.

I cannot imagine what it means to lose a teammate.

Such bright young men, what a life ahead of them they have... and so easily snuffed out like that. What does that say? What does it all mean? Perhaps just that we should treasure everyday and never put off what can be done today till tomorrow. Forgive, forget and always treasure the people around you.

Who knows what will happen? Not us mortal beings at least... I hope they all rest in peace.

.......................................

We all looked so fair... Was this how we looked two years ago? When we first found courage in our heart to join and stay in canoeing. Just sitting down there and talkig crap with them is so good... That I wish we could have all the time like that together...

And so I'm thankful for each time I have with them.

2007-11-26T00:13:00.000+08:00

还是念念不忘。前日的时光。

2007-11-23T20:29:00.001+08:00

I am so tired.

Been on my feet almost the whole day ): So right now I'm sitting in front of my computer and willing my poor feet to rest.

happy bdae rui! (:

and the moon shone especially bright today.

last day of A levels

2007-11-22T20:05:00.000+08:00

oh my gosh. A Levels are finally over.

The final morning of the A levels couldn't be anymore different then the first day. Instead of the light drizzle that showered on us the first day, we were greeted with almost cloudless skies and a promise of fine weather ahead.

The excitement outside the school hall was palpable. The anticipation and underlying thrill could be heard in the buzzing hum of words and the animated expressions of the students.

So we entered the school hall for the last time. I sat down and did the same old routine of arranging my stationary. I glanced at my watch. in about one and a half hour more, we would end this entirely.

but for now, we had to focus for another 75 mins.

and focus we did. for the last paper i threw my energy into it.

and finally it was done.

..........................

went out with my good friends in class.... they have been such a blessing in the past two years. went to visit a classmate then went to catch a movie. then we went library! and gosh i havent been to that library in ages! it looked so different.

...........................

indeed. the feeling of the last day is so different from the first day. especially the emergence of a certain tinge of sadness that seems so out of place today.

conclusion.

2007-11-21T19:51:00.000+08:00

tomorrow i will end my A levels. So here's the end to 12 years of "formal education". Its definitely a milestone.

actually i haven't been studying vigorously ever since the 4 in 2 days. been taking it as it come. like a jog with fast and slow bits in between. hm.. there was acceleration for bio paper 3 and geog 2....

ms hor said she heard that paper 3 was okay, pretty straightforward. i agree. cept maybe for the 6 marks on the graph. three of us had three very different approaches to the question.

and so it will end tomorrow.
but as with every end there will be a new beginning.
but first, i feel compelled to tie up a few loose ends.

...............................

i rmb when doing the schl survey, i hesitated at the qn: I will chose to study in this school if given a choice to decide again.

And I realize now there's no reason for me to hesitate. I wouldn't have chosen to go anywhere. even though the prospects of an alternative environment, a fresh perspective seems very attractive, but I think deep down inside I'm a Rafflesian through and through.

songs

2007-11-18T14:50:00.000+08:00

okay i thought chem paper was quite difficult. not undoable but i expected it to be easier. when i commented to my mum that it seems like the a level papers are getting harder over the years she agreed with me, saying that many of her friends' kids who took psle and o levels this yr also felt that the standard was up.

but it was quite a fun paper to do. no fun if you know everything rite?

so now left with 2 bio papers. doing the bio prelim papers, you can tell the different emphasis placed by different schools. since its a new topic, no one really knows whats going to come out so its kinda like going in half blind. but i trust rj.. i think we've been sufficiently prepared.. the last part is up to us.

lately i've been thinking about old school songs. and yesterday i dug out my sec one orientation booklet. and by chance i saw the 2004 orientation book and i rmb how i had enjoyed colouring the front page of it! haha.. brought me back to those psl days.

Filiae Melioris Aevi

Now as we remember, Strains of our school song
Calls to mind our motto, Filiae Melioris Aevi
Filiae Melioris Aevi, Daughters of a better age
United by a common goal, Filiae Melioris Aevi

it always always manages to tug the strings to my heart. and one very fond memory i have of it is during obs when trudging along this long and dreary dirt path we tried to do a cannon.. and of course we failed but we had fun trying.

As One

we were once all strangers roaming near and far
lost in the world of fantasy don't know who we are
then one day destined we were to stand together here as one (lalala lalala)
we'll be together, together as one

day by day our spirits grow, bonding us with love
striving working never rest, striving for the best
tis our story tis our song filled with joy and spirit strong as one (lalala lalala)
we'll be together, together as one

as the years pass us by, in many ways we fly
but the spirit still remains, it can never die
cause one day destined we were, to stand together here as one (lalala lalala)
we'll be together, together as one.

I thought the last paragraph was especially apt.

i hope that generations and generations of young women who walk though the portals of rgs will continue to learn and love those songs as i have.

geog and chem

2007-11-15T13:02:00.000+08:00

geog paper is over.

when i woke up this morning there was an unnatural ringing in my ear. its still there now... maybe its cause i didn't sleep well last night. kept thinking of the 500 000 caireness who live in the tombs in Cairo, Egypt.

among other stuff.

geog paper today was probably the least nice of all the papers so far. even worse then the weird chem paper we had on tuesday. chem was weird but alright. apparently they asked some h3 stuff... i was quite pissed with it actually cause i didn't think they had a right to come up with questions we hadn't explicitely learned before. but well i guess if you look at the concept, you can get the answer?

anw, about geog today. i actually needed more paper than i had. something that didn't happen for phys geog. i didn't do as well as i ought to for drqs.. spent too much time explaining the points and didn't give a wider range of answers that i felt drqs require. then there was the weird primary field techniques question worth like 6m which i had quite a fun time crapping though. and i think i did the pop geog drq wrongly. talked too much about low FR instead of high FR which should have been the focus of the questions.

then the essays were so weird! and they didn't ask about malthus and boserup! amazing. and they had this whole question dedicated to migration. WOW.... the scary thing was that halfway through writing my supranational body question, i stopped dead. i forgot whether NAFTA was considered supranational body! but since i had finished 75% of the question and there was no time to redo it.. i just persisted on. thankfully nafta is considered supranational body or i would have said goodbye to 16 marks which is like 8% of the entire grade.. whew... and im glad i mugged the housing stuff. cause just when i was about to throw my hands up in despair on ever finding another essay question to do, i saw the homeless one and saw a chance to get marks there. yup.

so well, geog is done and over with. i can't say that i'm very satisfied with the paper. i had so many level 3s still stuck in my head, points that i had no where to put. like the 5500 Maxtor cut, 500 cut in Sanyo, 1M spent daily in Sau Paulo on rubbish etc etc etc...

even if im not satisfied with my answers theres nothing i can do about it. I've done, i think the best i could given the circumstances. and for me that is enough.

and i hope this applies to everyone. of course sometimes we blank out during chem/maths, sometimes we spend too much time on one question and run out of time.. sometimes we just stare at the question and wonder "what the hell, why so weird?!" but at the end of the day if you know that during that 3 hr, 2hr or even just 1 hr in the sports hall/hall classroom or wadeva that you've really given the best that you can then i think its enough and theres no need to be disappointed with oneself.

what i can say confidently is that studying for human geog was one of the happiest studying times during this whole of A levels.

inflation

2007-11-14T08:47:00.000+08:00

Inflation looks set to reach 5% by next year. and then it will supposedly stabilized. its not just in singapore but its world wide inflation.

i understand that inflation is due to goods being priced at more than they are valued due to a high demand but limited supply.

This inevitable led me to thinking - is Malthus therefore correct?

About two centuries ago, Malthus postulated that resources (more referring to food supply then) increases arithmetically but population grows geometrically. He then came to a conclusion that population growth will eventually outstrip food supply. Malthus theory spawned a whole group of neo-malthusians who gave a similar idea.

Today, we see rising oil prices which look set to hit 100 per barrel. we see worldwide inflation. i wonder if part of it has got to do with the rising middle class in china demanding more commodities... does this inflation mean that resources are short in supply? Does it mean there is insufficient food for the 6.8 billion of us in this world. of course i don't think its as simple as that. it could be just that some of the resources remain unexploited/undiscovered. or that farmlands are not put to good use. but its still worrying.

Inflation will hit the lower income groups the hardest. Because the lower-income groups spend the bulk of their money on commodities. any increase in these prices will mean spending a greater proportion of their money on these goods. so then it begs the question... why not just let the more expensive higher end products increase but keep the necessities at the normal prices?

Since its worldwide inflation, i suppose it will hit many other poor in other countries. In Singapore at least the rich poor divide is not as bad as in other places but in some places where there is a distinct line between the haves and the have-nots, such a situation may spell trouble. poverty breeds despair, anger, all kinds of bad feelings and who knows what may happen when people get upset.

so when will the world population become too large for the earth's resources and man's capabilities to handle? i think it is an answer that we all wish to know but can only guess. I just hope that somehow we can churn out more goods so that the inflation can stop rising and can stabilize so that the lower-income people won't have such a hard time.

......................................

i confess that I didn't slowly savour Jane Eyre. I flipped through much of the last third of the book as I had to start geog. I like the language, the way the words are strung together. You don't find that kind of writing in modern day's books anymore... or perhaps I just have not encountered them.

Truth to be told, I rather like Wuthering Heights more. Jane Eyre seemed much too centered on the affiars between Jane and Mr Rochester. I think what i like best is that the characters are far from perfect. They each have all their flaws which make them most real.

after As i'll go read through the last 1/3 of the book slowly...

chicken rice

2007-11-10T22:52:00.001+08:00

chicken rice doesn't taste the same when you're not eating it with the same group of people.

I dug into my dinner quickly (hungry mah). Chicken rice generally tastes the same everywhere. the same garlic chicken smell, the chilli, the black sauce. but halfway through a spoonful of rice, i suddenly paused.

it tastes different.

different from the time we sat cross legged on the benches in the canteen... et with one of her leg up as usual and attacked the chicken rice (in those huge red plastic bags). and how about that time we made a hell lot of noise in the bishan foodcourt. or how muddy always gets discount from the auntie. and how she always smiles at us and say "hua chuan de ar?" and reminds us to put sunblock. and that time we each ate more than one plate of chicken rice.

ahhh.. somehow that chicken rice tastes better.

run

2007-11-10T14:42:00.000+08:00

wanted to reach HCI so even though my knees were protesting i decided to be stubborn and pressed on. in the end, i was so close yet so far. stopped at tchs instead. -.-"

i think hci was less than 10mins down the road.

next time. i'll reach the end of bukit timah road. (:

i like this route even though theres freaking lots of car and exhaust. i think if i keep running there my lungs will turn black. and the other thing is that i need to take a bus back and in the evening the road just jams up. ):

still deciding whether to take a rest today or not. my right knee hasn't yet recovered properly and im debating whether it needs a rest or is it strong enough to carry on.

and outside... the weather beckons.

maybe i'll go cycle around. (:

rest

2007-11-07T20:10:00.000+08:00

sometimes its annoying if your body clock works too well. woke up at 7 plus but promptly fell asleep after breakfast. woke up and attempted to do chem again but somehow my brain wasn't functioning properly and i surrendered after a few pages of chem.

so in total i slept almost 12 hours today.

wow. havent had so much sleep in such a long time.

When I start working and start earning money, I'll send my parents travelling. My mum wants to go China so that'll be the first place I'll send her to.

.....................

事情会再一次地演变吗？

Let it go

2007-11-06T20:24:00.000+08:00

Today feels completely contrasted from yesterday.

It started drearily. Still smarting from my carelessness yesterday and not having rested well since geog, I thought in the morning that the weather so appropriately matched my mood.

I wondered why they said the cumulonimbus clouds produced by convection currents due to the ITCZ is of limited height. I thought the foreboding grey clouds in the sky looked towering enough. Perhaps clouds causing copious precipitation or rain at fronts are more gigantic. that would be pretty scary.

It was thus with a solemn mood that I made my way to the exam venue. 'Locked' within the grey walls of the sports hall, we nevertheless knew to some extent the storm that brewed outside. Twice or thrice before the paper started, there was a short but sudden and loud sound of rocks hitting the roof. not rocks but rain falling on the sports hall.

Frankly speaking, I have no idea how bio paper went. Perhaps its because all Bio papers have been approximately the same for me. Half the time I'm not sure what the question really wants and I'm just whacking what I think the question is asking for. Like what my friends say, they gave 3m for what seems like a 2m answer and we were hard pressed to discover where the 3rd mark came out from.

2 hours later, bio was done. Then it was the chionging for math.

I think by then I felt the stirrings of a headache developing. Thankfully, it didn't interfere with my studying and it went away as quickly as it came. there were just too many other things to concentrate on.

maths paper was okay i guess. i think im too zonked out after 4 consecutive papers to be able to evaluate objectively how the paper was.

so math is done. bio core is done. phys geog is done. after handing in the paper i did experience an absurd sense of loss. its like finally after 2 years, you don't have to touch the familiar set of notes anymore.

congrats to the 18 of us in the entire school who have managed to survive the past two days. after this we can do anything.

although i felt that for chem bio and math the little bit of studying this past two days wasn't crucial in helping me cope with the papers. it was more of the stuff i did in the previous weeks...

then things started to look up when I met my canoobs! like 4 of them at one go! such a rare occurence. (: haha... really miss crapping with them so much. just seeing them totally makes my day!

and then when i sat down on the train, i glanced up and saw a magnificient sight. the low scattered clouds were bathed in orange and yellow light such that the bottom was a golden hue and the top was still greyish yellow.

it seems such a long time since i admired the setting sun on the train.

it certainly brings back memories.

sometime during the past few days, i had a sudden revelation. perhaps i am beginning to come to terms with the matter. perhaps i'm finally ready to let it go completely. and about time. its taken long enough.

I'll always remember yang humming this song to herself on that fateful day two of our competition.

Rob Thomas - Little Wonders

Let it go, Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know, The hardest part is over
Let it in, Let your clarity define you
In the end, You will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours
These small hours
Still remain

Let it slide, Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine, Till you feel it all around you
And I don't mind, If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by, It's the heart that really matters in the end

All of my regret, will wash away somehow
But I cannot forget the way I feel right now
In these small hours
These little wonders
Still remain

):

2007-11-05T20:08:00.000+08:00

i lost my mp3.

i can't stand it anymore. i really hate losing my stuff. and i've been losing stuff for a very long time now. used to lose the mrt cards, then lost my wallet a few times. when i was a kid when i was tasked to carry stuff i'll leave it on the mrt train. ):

this has to stop.

i swear that this will be the last time that I lose something important. really really the last time. from now on, i'll devise a way to ensure that i have everything.

Guide law number 9:

A Guide takes care of her possessions and those of other people.

If I can't even take care of my own stuff how can I take care of other people's? This irresponsibility has to stop.

....................................

that totally disrupted an otherwise satisfied day.

like i said, I wouldn't say chem paper was easy. The specimen paper was easy and it isn't anything like the specimen paper. they didn't have electrochem at all for one. but neither would i say that the paper was difficult. overall, I rather liked doing the paper. It was interesting enough to do although they had a lot of explanation and i don't know if i had said the stuff they wanted.

but i would say i'm satisfied with my script. the questions that i didn't know i really didn't know and its fine with me.

then chionged for geog. i think ms law rocks. the questions for a levels turned out to be pretty similar to what she asked us. i felt like i was doing a ms law's paper. and for the first time in my phys geog paper i wasn't thinking "when will this ever end." In fact, three hours passed surprisingly quickly.

Of course my answers were far from perfect. they were probably only a fraction of the thorough explanation ms law gave us in her notes, but nevertheless, i'm quite satisfied with my script.

all that i knew i wrote down during the exam and i think my handwriting is pretty readable.

alright. nows the time to chiong bio and math.

and finally. thanks for being there.

canoeing - my life

2007-11-02T20:00:00.000+08:00

Maths is one of the papers I'm really not confident of doing. Fortunately, most of it went well today and I'll say I'm pretty satisfied. The puzzling thing is that I am somehow unable to concentrate wholeheartedly for that 3 hours. Halfway I can feel my thoughts running away from me and more than once a catchy tune popped into my head and persisted for a while.

.....................

Today I took a different route home. just suddenly decided to take bus. Haven't taken a long bus ride in a very long time. It was interesting and will definitely help me when I wanna plan my exciting route to school.

someday.

i can't wait.

......................

The memories really play out like a broken film with snippets of pictures and sounds. It seems like a fantasy, a dream, like some seperate part of my life. As if the last two years were all taken away from me and etched into a film. One that ended abruptly, one that ended without a real conclusion. Just like some movies that end with the viewers wondering.

Even though the time in canoeing seems like a dream, but i guess deep down inside of me theres the remnants of it. the lessons learnt, the values earned and the dreams dreamt.

What I would give to be back at the 1km mark again, with the faint wiff of watermelon, the macritchie water and the setting sun...

If it was a dream I wished that I had never woken up.

....................................

a levels day one

2007-10-31T19:39:00.000+08:00

A Levels started with gloomy weather.

Walking through the light rain, I knew without a doubt that my poor feet would get wet even as I tried my best to avoid the puddles and rivulets of water.

And they did freeze in the cold sports hall.

Nevertheless, it was a nice day. I rather like the rain. Once in a while I'll recall the time we walked through the thunderstorm, got absolutely soaking wet and then dried off as we trekked back. That seemed like such a faraway experience. Sometimes I wish that I could do that all over again.

Its times like these that I consider myself somewhat a perfectionist. Strangely, when I handed in my papers I didn't feel satisfied. I didn't have enough time to express all that i wanted to say for my AQ and upon reflection I felt that my essay didn't adequately answer the question.

Actually I know that it isn't that bad. I just wished that I could have produced a work of high quality. It just doesn't seem right to submit in a piece of work that I'm not entirely satisfied with for such an important exam.

..............................................

Alright. I'm finally done grousing about GP.

It would seem obvious that I write about the environmental question. If I'm not wrong it goes like this. "It is impossible to protect the environment when countries require increasing amounts of energy for progress." something like that.

Partly because its something I feel pretty strongly about, partly because I've done more essays on environment issues than any other topic and also because the articles I read yesterday somehow all had something to do with energy sources. From the biofuels in Brazil to the energy demands in Vietnam...

It seems as if I was to write this question.

On a side note, I had a fun time reading TIME yesterday. Seriously, reading about news really enriches your knowledge.

.............................

The Straits Times posted an article on this. I shall just quote some excerpts.

Planet in peril
Future of humanity itself now at risk, warns UN study

PARIS - THE human population is living far beyond its means and inflicting damage to the environment that could pass points of no return, warns a major report issued by the United Nations.
...
While action has been successfully taken in some regions and on some problems, the overall picture is one of sloth and neglect, said the report by the UN Environment Programme (UNEP), which issued an 'urgent call to action'.
...
'The global trends on climate, on ozone, on indeed ecosystem degradation, fisheries, in the oceans, water supplies... are still pointing downwards,'
...
The 570-page report, the fourth in a series published by the UNEP, was compiled by nearly 390 experts from observations, studies and data garnered over two decades. It offers the broadest and most detailed tableau of environmental change since the Brundtland Report, Our Common Future was issued in 1987 and put the environment on the world political map.
...
The GEO-4 report said that the earth has experienced five mass extinctions in 450 million years, the latest of which occurred 65 million years ago. 'A sixth major extinction is under way, this time caused by human behaviour,' it said.
...
Mr Steiner said: 'There have been enough wake-up calls since Brundtland. I sincerely hope GEO-4 is the final one.
...
'The systematic destruction of the earth's natural and nature-based resources has reached a point where the economic viability of economies is being challenged - and where the bill we hand on to our children may prove impossible to pay.'

AGENCE FRANCE-PRESSE, ASSOCIATED PRESS, REUTERS, NEW YORK TIMES

...............................

more interesting to read was various people's response. while most agree that something needed to be done, there were some which defuted these claims.

2007-10-29T19:42:00.000+08:00

And so tomorrow it begins. Although for me it is really on Wednesday that it begins.

We'll see how it goes.

All the best everyone. (:
Keep calm, relax.
Don't do weird things
and take care.

2007-10-25T19:59:00.000+08:00

so... everyone is leaving.

just as well, just when we are leaving.

Greenday - Time of your life

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why.
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

...............................................

7 years for you, 8 years for you and 6 years for us.
the time frame may be different but the situation is the same.

we will be leaving raffles.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

2007-10-24T20:25:00.000+08:00

its with a shock that i realized that my brother really has grown up.

haha. i can't believe we had the exact same thought and same feeling towards our bros.

I used to had such a fun time laughing at his compos. but the work i see now is so vastly different from what i saw just a few years ago. its not just the style but also the content. I guess while i was busy with my stuff the past few years he grew up faster than i thought.

......................................

哦...
宁静的小村外有一个笨小孩
出生在陆零年代
十来岁到城市不怕那太阳
努力在柒零年代
发现呀
城市里朋友们不用去灌溉
花自然会开

哦...
转眼间那么快
这一个笨小孩又到了捌零年代
三十岁到头来不算好也不坏
经过了玖零年代
最无奈他自己总是会慢人家一拍
没有钱在那口袋

哎哟往著胸口拍一拍呀
勇敢站起来
不用心情太坏
哎哟向著天空拜一拜呀
别想不开
老天自有安排

哦...
他们说城市里男不坏女不爱
怎么想也不明白
妈妈说真心爱会爱得很精彩
结果我没有女孩
笨小孩依然是坚强得像石头一块
只是晚上寂寞难耐

哎哟往著胸口拍一拍呀
勇敢站起来
管它上天下海
哎哟向著天空拜一拜呀
别想不开
老天自有安排
老天爱笨小孩

－－－－－－－－－－－－－

当一个男子汉

someday we'll know

2007-10-22T19:54:00.001+08:00

Switchfoot - Somday we'll know

Ninety miles outside Chicago
Can't stop driving, I don't know why
So many questions, I need an answer
Two years later you're still on my mind

Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky?I
s true love just once in a lifetime?
Did the captain of the Titanic cry?

Someday We'll Know
If love can move a mountain
Someday We'll Know
Why the sky is blue
Someday We'll Know
Why I wasn't meant for you

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
Or what the wind says when she cries?
I'm speeding by the place that I met you
For the ninety-seventh time... tonight

Someday We'll Know
If love can move a mountain
Someday We'll Know
Why the sky is blue
Someday We'll Know
Why I wasn't meant for you

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Someday We'll Know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One Day I'll go
Dancin on the moon
Someday You'll Know
That I was the one for you

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
i watch the stars crash into the sea
If I could ask God just one question...
Why aren't you here with me?...tonight

Someday We'll Know
If love can move a mountain
Someday We'll Know
Why the sky is blue
Someday We'll Know
Why I wasn't meant for you

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Someday We'll Know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One Day I'll go
Dancin on the moon
Someday You'll Know
That I was the one for you

..................................

sometimes i wonder whatever made me decide to run a marathon. I've more or less accepted the fact that my knees are going to protest if i go over the threshold. Its not that its unbearable but more that it's worrying. i need my two legs to walk after all. the challenge now is to extend my threshold so that it only acts up after a longer time. well, so far so good (:

but well, at the end of the day its the challenge. and i like running with people. even if its total strangers. cause the camaraderie in fellow runners is really heart-warming.

.....................................

the other day i randomly drew a familiar scene. us at the pontoon at macritchie. just the twelve of us.

2007-10-20T17:02:00.000+08:00

that day i took a trip down the park connector linking the park at cck to bukitbatok. and im proud to say that i did not get lost! mwahaha.. sometimes i really have a bad sense of direction.

its not very long. probably around 6km? not very good at gauging... but it was not bad. they widened the paths beside the road so that more people or cyclists can utilize the path. its quite hard to get lost since all you had to do was to follow the newly paved black tarred road and the brown signboards. so after about 2km in the estate, the road turns to beside the canal. the view is quite nice actually since the right side is just the canal, the highway then lots of trees/bushes.

there were street lamps along the way, i suppose for those working people or night owls who only venture out at night to cycle/run. although some stretches of the road is pretty quiet, but its not scary.

my mum told me they made another park connector linking bedok reservoir with east coast park and some part of changi. the track forms a loop.

just had a sudden thought. if they can make park connectors... then what about corridors? maybe corridors linking bukit timah with other large nature reserves...

................

and then the other day i suddenly decided to revisit wuthering heights. I remember I read it once, but the only image I could conjure was one of grey skies, strong winds, tall and wet grass and a lonesome castle-like stone house guarded by a steel grey metal gate.

not too long ago i actually attempted to read it again. but I don't recall having advanced more than the first one or two chapters. I definitely didn't hadn't managed to encounter the main character of the story, Catherine Earnshaw/Linton.

The English is really quite powerful. Especially the not so narrative portions. If I can manage to read one such book every week, my English will definitely be more powerful than it is now.

Frankly speaking, it is quite disturbing. Perhaps its like what the author's sister said of the story - that the charcters are very raw. But in the end, its a happy ending and I guess that kind of appeases me.

perhaps in a while later i will take a trip down wuthering heights again. because somehow i think one visit is insufficient for me to fully unerstand the events that happened at the dreary place.

farewell assembly 2007

2007-10-12T19:28:00.000+08:00

What a coincidence. I was just thinking of this song the past few days and mr koh sang it during farewell assembly today.

Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
And think of you
Caught up in circles confusion -
Is nothing new
Flashback - warm nights -
Almost left behind
Suitcases of memories,
Time after -

Sometimes you picture me -
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you've said -
Then you say - go slow -
I fall behind -
The second hand unwinds

Chorus:
If you're lost you can look - and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you - I'll be waiting
Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows - you're wondering
If I'm OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time

You said go slow -
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

-------------------------------------------------------

Today is farewell assembly. Even though we know that we would still be returning to school, studying in school, meeting up with our teachers and friends, but today is still significant in that its the last time we were gathered as one batch. until grad night that is.

we spammed photos in the morning. was sad that mrs lee wasn't around. would have liked to take pictures with her. hope she's better now. then was farewell assembly. there were many many videos but the one i remember best was the one from the teachers.

when mrhodge talked about the green light bulb i looked back at the past 18 years of my life and asked myself what was my green light bulb. perhaps its not time for me to know yet because i couldn't think of any.

self-education and teachers. it made sense. in the past few months, i've come to realize how ignorant i am in this world where vast information flows. i hope that learning for me will be a life-long process and i fully intend to make it so.

the youth have their ideas, their castle in the skies. their aspirations and ambitions. they are pioneers. the old have their knowledge their experience, their advice, their wisdom. the trick is how to marry both so that the best possible results can happen.

watched my fellow batch mates walk up the stage to collect the various awards. how time flies. soon we'll all be moving into universities and eventually to society. will we remember the lessons we learnt? will we still keep our friendships? will we still serve with heart and faith and the best interest of people in mind.

the 4 Ps fell into my head.

Principled
People-centered
Passionate
Professional.

the 4 pillars of RGS and it stuck to my head all the way till now.

"To produce leaders of distinction and dignity. Committed to life-long learning, leading meaningful lives and serving society."

that's the mission.

thank you to mrs tan for being such a wonderful principal of rgs. im sure you will be sorely missed.

with the rp, there were 3 more words to be imbued in us. Thinker. Leader. Pioneer. and i think there should be an emphasis that the leadership should to some extent be about servant-leadership.

besides the above, i think for me, the rafflesian spirit has always been one of pursuing excellence. perhaps its the competitive nature of the schl environment, perhaps its the competitiveness in each and every one of us that makes up the raffles family. but in whatever we do, we pursue excellence. sometimes we don't achieve what we aimed for, but what mattered is that ever strove for excellence.

The special Olympics oath goes, "Let me win, but if I cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt."

here's wishing all graduating rafflesians all the best in whatever they do. may the friendships we've forged stay strong and may we always have fond memories of the past 2 or 6 years.

and to the staff of the raffles family. how can i ever thank them enough. for providing the environment for us to grow in. for all the encouragement, all the faith, all the goodwill and the friendship.

and lastly to all my batch mates. if i could turn back time i would have treasured each and everyone of you more. thank you for sharing all my laughter and tears. for growing up with me through the past 6 years. let's study very very hard now and strive for excellence in the As so that our principals and teachers can hold their heads high and be very proud of us and that they can say that RP has done its job.

its been a privilege to be a rafflesian. and no matter where i go in the future i'll always remember i was a rafflesian of the batch 2007.

---------------------------

the stormy weather reflected my mood. 6 years is a long time. raffles has given me so much joy and the people around me have been such influence in my life. soon we'll say goodbye to it all. i've always been terrible at saying goodbyes and i guess this is no different.

of course i do know that parting is inevitable and we have to learn to deal with it. and of course i will. but for now, let me dwell in my memories and reflect on the past 6 years of my life.

how nice if i could have a sign to tell me what to do next..

conflict...

2007-10-08T20:28:00.000+08:00

sometimes its not so hard to stick to what you've decided to do. sometimes your heart and your brain is in conflict. sometimes you don't know if the decision you've made is the best one. at times like these, it calls on one to reflect on what one's principles and values are and to align one's actions to them.

it should be something that unites. and yet, i see in it great potential to divide. at the end of the day, what we need is an open heart and an open mind.

and i'm thankful for another day that i'm alive in this world. (:

A Dirty Little War

2007-10-06T12:20:00.001+08:00

A Dirty Little War by John Martinkus

This book records the situation in East Timor from 1997 to 2000. What struck me most was that the entire situation happened not too long ago, and that it had happened so close to Singapore and I never ever knew about it.

Sure, I always knew there was something up at East Timor, but I never knew it was like that. John Martinkus gave a very detailed and personalized account of his experience in East Timor during that time period. He wrote extensively about the time just before and just after East Timorese voted for their independence.

I think this excerpt sums up aptly what a large portion of the book was about.

"East Timor is already a winner,' said Leandro grandly, barely able to contain himself. 'They have decided for themselves. Today is the end. Today the East Timorese people stand equal with the other countries of the world.'

Alves was hurrying Leandro along and turned to me. 'What are you doing, anyway? We are going to the mountains, and we are advising all our people to go to Dare,' he said.

I hadn't even thought about leaving. I asked him how he felt about the result.

'Of course, it is a victory for us,' he said, still loading the car, 'but we have to get through the day alive.'"

Soon after East Timorese voted for independence, the Indonesian military moved in and began ransacking and creating chaos in the country. However, the official statement released by the UN, the Indonesian government and broadcasted to the rest of the world insisted that it was East Timorese militia and not the Indonesian military that was doing the damage. Through various accounts, John Martinkus displayed his exasperation and disbelief that the official accounts were so much in contradiction to what he and other foreign jounalists in East Timor were witnessing.

For the people who had fought so hard for independence, who had believed in the UN to provide them security from the military when they finally achieved independence, when the UN just didn't have the capacity to prevent the murders and terrorizing attacks on the people, the people just lost their faith in them.

It raises the question of whether the UN should be armed. Something that I believed had long been debated about.

The actual number of casualties will probably never be known. It is not just in the months or years after the independence but also what happened in 1975 which was unfortunately not well documented. But reading the atrocities committed is horrific enough. It's easy to hate the people who've caused such sadness and be angry at those who had just watched at the side. But instead, Xanana Gusmão speaks about forgiveness and he urges his people to forgive those who've commited crimes against them.

Its not easy to just say forgive like that. But I think what matters is that we try and that we look forward into the future instead of 'what could have beens'.

If I have the time I'll read it again and spend more time on the details instead of glossing over them. But thank you to John Martinkus for his wonderful writing that has enabled me and I believe much more of the world know about what happened in East Timor.

prelim

2007-10-01T20:57:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder how i can live 18 years of my life and still be so ignorant about everything that's happening around me. we had the same thought. even as we faced our less than satisfactory prelim grades, we questioned their significance in a world that is much more than what one individual gets for his/her prelims.

I used to think that those miss world or singapore who ask for world peace just say it because its the 'right', cliche thing to say. but now im thinking that it really makes sense. having lived in a peaceful singapore all my life, i find it hard to imagine waking up everyday in terror, not knowing if millitants will visit your village and wreck havoc on your life. or being one of the students out on the streets protesting against an incapable government with the military pointing their guns at you.

and so im grateful for everyday that i'm alive with food in my stomach and a roof over my head.

.....................

小孩子就是那么的喜欢问为什么。为什么？为什么？到处都问为什么。希望我不会一天醒来然后忘记怎么问为什么。他们就是那么的天真，那么轻易地相信他人。

我喜欢吃我妈妈煮的菜...

生老病死，我们无法避免。看着她躺在病床上，我开始胡思乱想。将来，如果有那么一天，不是她，而是他，或她，或是我...

......................

its alot like preparing for competition. you row for 10 000 meters each training, sometimes even close to 20 000. but on your race day you're only rowing 500m or 1000m max. just like how we do scores and scores of prelim papers and ten year series when at the end we're only sitting for one exam.

its also about knowing when you peak. when to pace yourself. when its near the competition, the frequency of the practices should increase but the duration shld be shorter until each training you're doing one or two long distance than starting burst. just like preparing for exam. closer to the exam date, it shouldn't be mugging stacks or notes but condensed notes, cue cards, short timed questions.

practice is the key. familiarize oneself with the race route. visualizing. knowing exactly when to go down. its the same as familiarizing oneself with one's exam procedure. what to bring to the exam hall, the questions and marks you're facing.

and of course one of the most important thing is called BELIEVE. believe. something that you hold in your heart. something no one can take away from you. if you believe, no matter what happens, you know you would have tried everything in your power to do it. believing takes away the fear. believing takes away the nervousness. when you believe and you let everything fall away, there's only you, your boat, your paddle and that believe in your heart.

same applies to exam. the time is overtaking you or pressurizing you. the questions are threathening to stump you, obstructing your way. even the air-con is against you by blasting all the air your way. and it takes everything to just sit still, breathe normally and BELIEVE. but perhaps when you do that, the fear also fades away and you can tackle the questions with more ease. i wouldn't really know since i've been panicking in almost all my papers.

this prelims enabled me to draw another parallel. in canoeing, there are people who train very hard. very very very hard. everyday they're at the pull up bar. they read books about canoeing and training. they research online about nutritions. they visit the gym everyday and pile on the weights they previously thought they could never lift. and yet, because or circumstance or any other factor, their hard work is not rewarded.

sometimes its circumstance, sometimes its just not to be. yes, we wonder why it happens, what went wrong. but at the end of the day, we do not give up. we fight on. and even if we knew the results would be the same, we would still have fought with a hundred and more percent. because it isn't in our nature to do otherwise. because we know that we would suffer a worse fate if we had given less than our best.

and finally. the people around you make the journey worth the while.

so onwards. because the big thing is not here yet. and when it comes we'll be ready to crush it. (:

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson

prelims

2007-09-27T20:07:00.000+08:00

Found a pretty good website about the situation in burma http://www.irrawaddy.org/protests/BurmaProtests.php I think its pretty reliable.

let's hope that the situation will improve for the citizens. i wish there were more correspondents in burma that could tell the international community what's happening there. but i suppose its dangerous being a foreign journalist there now. really hope that things turn for the better.

......................................

my estate is relatively young. in the sense that we have alot of young families. parents with only one or two kids, teenagers around my age... and its so hard to have a kid these days. in many cases, both parents are working and they have to work to maintain their standard of living, and the poor kid is left to the grandparents or someone else to look after. some parents become weekend parents, some don't even see their kids for months/years esp if they're working overseas. and even for those that see their kids everyday, they don't have the same kind of bonding and connection with their kid. and its just so sad...

.......................................

and i found it a little hilarious that im having to say all the things i said. sometimes i wonder if im some big hypocrite. esp when there are times when i cannot stand the situation and i wonder why on earth they could carry on like this. but again and again i pretend that it doesn't matter.

...................................................

we're all turning white and flabby. my muscles are still there but can feel them slowly becoming soft and my arms slowly becoming smaller. and im white.. im like almost totally white. i do so miss the times when we are all together. and i'll always be amazed by how we can all come together. like what i told her, someone's problem is all of our problem and if it is within our capabilities we'll all pitch in to help. almost unquestioningly. that's the special thing about us.

......................................

its been raining recently. but i want to run...

五月天为爱而生

2007-09-24T17:50:00.000+08:00

五月天 为爱而生

就等你的一个眼神就能为你长征
为你占领所有边城和天上的星辰
如果你一个笑如果你一个吻
更多伤痕更多牺牲就让爱更动人
就让爱更永恒

只因我为爱而生只因为我为爱而生
我来到这个世界这个人生为你而生存
只因我为爱而生只因为我为爱而生
就让我越爱越疯越陷越深越
执著的灵魂

曾经灿烂曾经沸腾就不会有悔恨
即使化成无名烟尘在故事的尾声
爱是一种天分还是一种天真
我不多想我不多问让爱忘了分寸
让我奋不顾身

只因我为爱而生只因为我为爱而生
我来到这个世界这个人生为你而生存
只因我为爱而生只因为我为爱而生
就让我越爱越疯越陷越深越
执著的灵魂

....................................

amazonia, angela's ashes and 'tis

2007-09-24T17:14:00.000+08:00

Amazonia by James MarcusIt was more of a memoir of sorts then an actual informative book about the rise of amazon.com into the internet business. nevertheless it provided fascinating insights of the rise and fall of the importance of the editorial team in the company. it never even occured to me that amazon.com would have an editorial team. I glossed over the middle parts, though. This book also raises some thoughts on the many that made it rich overnight during the dot.com bubble... accidental richness and also the author's struggle with reconciling literature and business. its all from the author's point of view. and all in all, not too bad a read.

Angela's Ashes and 'Tis by Frank McCourt

These two were a more interesting read for me and i had to be pried away from them to revert back to the mundane and dry activity of mugging. Frank McCourt has a very direct and nochalant air when writing that makes the horrifying events he describe funny and more bearable. It made me wonder if the poverty he experienced before during and after the Great Depression is what thousands around the world is experiencing right now. What a sobering thought....

fight for the top of the world

2007-09-22T12:48:00.000+08:00

Fight for the Top of the World

At the end of August, a wisp of flame suddenly appeared in the Arctic twilight over the Barents Sea, bathing the low clouds over the Norwegian port of Hammerfest in a spectral orange glow. With a tremendous roar, the flame bloomed over the windswept ocean and craggy gray rocks, competing for an instant with the Arctic summer's never-setting sun. The first flare-off of natural gas from the Snohvit (Snow White in Norwegian) gas field, some 90 miles (145 km) offshore, was a beacon of promise: After 25 years of false starts, planning and construction, the first Arctic industrial oil-and-gas operation outside of Alaska was up and running. Norway's state-owned petroleum firm Statoil could finally exploit once unreachable reserves, expected to deliver an estimated $1.4 billion worth of liquefied natural gas each year for the next 25 years.

But in a place where the aurora borealis normally provides celestial beauty, Snow White's luminous apparition also signals caution. What will a new era of exploitation bring to the Arctic, one of the earth's last great uncharted regions? The vast area has long fascinated explorers, but it has just as long been the site of folly and exaggerated expectations. Over centuries, hundreds died in the doomed search for an ice-free Northwest Passage between Asia and Europe, many of them victims of ill-fated stabs at national and personal glory.

This summer, however, saw something new: for the first time in recorded history, the Northwest Passage was ice-free all the way from the Pacific to the Atlantic. The Arctic ice cap's loss through melting this year was 10 times the recent annual average, amounting to an area greater than that of Texas and New Mexico combined. The Arctic has never been immune from politics; during the Cold War, U.S. and Soviet submarines navigated its frigid waters. But now that global warming has rendered the Arctic more accessible than ever — and yet at the same time more fragile — a new frenzy has broken out for control of the trade routes at the top of the world and the riches that nations hope and believe may lie beneath the ice. Just as 150 years ago, when Russia and Britain fought for control of central Asia, it is tempting to think that — not on the steppe or dusty mountains but in the icy wastes of the frozen north — a new Great Game is afoot.

The current interest in the Arctic, in short, is a perfect storm seeded with political opportunism, national pride, military muscle flexing, high energy prices and the arcane exigencies of international law. But the tale begins with global warming, which is transforming the Arctic. The ice cap, which floats atop much of the Arctic Ocean, is at least 25% smaller than it was 30 years ago. As the heat-reflecting ice that has made the Arctic the most inaccessible and uncharted part of the earth turns into water — which absorbs heat — the shrinkage is accelerating faster than climate models ever predicted. On Aug. 28, satellite images analyzed by the University of Colorado's National Snow and Ice Data Center revealed that the Arctic ice cap was already 10% smaller than at its previous record minimum, in September 2005 — and it still had about a month of further melting to go. "If that's not a tipping point, I'd hate to see what a tipping point is," says Mark Serreze, the center's senior research scientist. Trausti Valsson, a professor of environmental planning at the University of Iceland in Reykjav�k, says Arctic warming has become a "self-propelling" process that could leave the Arctic Ocean ice-free in summers by 2040. Even in winter, says Valsson, ice coverage would amount only to what could form in a single season, meaning that "Arctic shipping, with specially built ships, will be easy in all areas during the whole year."

As shrinkage of the ice has made it easier to access the Arctic, competition for the region's resources has intensified. David Ooingoot Kalluk, 66, an Inuit who has hunted on the ice around Resolute for the past 48 years, has sensed the weird new world to come. "The snow and ice now melt from the bottom, not the top," Kalluk says as he glances out over the almost ice-free waters of Resolute Bay and fingers a pair of binoculars. He used to take dogsleds across the ice in June to hunt caribou on nearby Bathurst Island. Now, he says, the ice is too thin even in early May. If the warming continues, he fears that the cod population will shift farther north, disturbing the food chain for the ring-necked seal — the natural staple of the polar bears that regularly stalk the hamlet in the winter months.

Kalluk and his people will just have to adjust, but the polar bears may not be able to. A recent study by the U.S. Geological Survey (USGS) predicts that shrinking sea ice will mean a two-thirds reduction in their population by midcentury. Not even strict adherence to the Kyoto accord on limiting greenhouse gases would stop an Arctic meltdown, which means the Arctic, like nowhere else on Earth, is a place where efforts to mitigate global warming have yielded to full-bore adaptation to its impact. That process is freighted with irony. With gas and oil prices near historic highs and with scant prospect of any decrease in world demand for energy, it is only prudent to get a sense of what resources lie below the newly accessible sea. But there is something paradoxical about seeking in the Arctic the very carbon fuels that are melting the northern ice. "The rush to exploit Arctic resources can only perpetuate the vicious cycle of human-induced climate change," says Mike Townsley of Greenpeace International.

How can competing claims to the Arctic — of environmentalists and entrepreneurs, nations and natives — be reconciled? Antarctica, with no native population, has been saved from international competition by a treaty signed in 1959, which (among other things) bans all mining there until 2041. There have always been advocates of such an approach in the Arctic, but given well-established local populations and long-standing national claims, they have never gotten very far.

Meanwhile, as they always have, adventurers, hucksters and dreamers will continue to make their way north — some of them in bikinis. Iceland's Valsson sees the Arctic as "the new Mediterranean," with warming temperatures fostering new centers of civilization in Siberia and Arctic Canada. Hammerfest bears witness to some of that: The population is booming, and a sense of hope infuses the economy. But as winter approaches in Resolute and the lowering sky turns dark, Kalluk, the Inuit hunter, suspects that dreams of a new world in the north are overdone. "Whatever else happens," he says, "the sun will still disappear for a good part of the year." The unanswered question is whether that will be enough to preserve the harsh beauty that he and others in the Arctic have long known and cherished.

With reporting by Laura Blue/London, Ulla Plon/Copenhagen, Andrew Purvis/Berlin and Hammerfest, Elisabeth Salemme/New York, Adam Zagorin/Washington and Yuri Zarakhovich/Moscow

From Time

................................................

Its really obscene how people all over the world are clamoring to benefit from the melting of the ice caps at the arctic. Don't they realize what this spells for the world? if the melting of icecaps accelerates global warming, what makes them think that they can still make businesses profitable in this world.

when will everyone realize the repurcussions and start taking acitons?

streets of london

2007-09-13T11:47:00.000+08:00

Streets Of London

Have you seen the old man in the closed down market
Kicking up the paper with his worn out shoes
In his eyes you see no pride
And held loosely by his side,
yesterday's paper telling yesterday's news

How can you tell me you're lonely
And say, for you, that the sun don't shine
Let me take you by the hand
And lead you through the streets of London
I'll show you something to make you change your mind

Have you seen the old gal who walks the streets of London
Dirt in her hair and her clothes in rags
She's no time for talkin, she just keeps right on walkin'
Carryin her home in two carrier bags

How Can you tell me....

In the all night cafe at a quarter past eleven
Same old man sitting there on his own
Looking at the world over the rim of his teacup
Each tea lasts an hour and he goes home alone

How can you tell me....

Have you seen the old man outside the seaman's mission
Memory fading like the ribbons that he wears
In our winter city, the rain cries a little pity
For one more forgotten hero in a world that doesn't care

How can you tell me you're lonely
And say, for you, that the sun don't shine
Let me take you by the hand
And lead you through the streets of London
I'll show you something to make you change your mind
I'll show you something to make you change your mind

thank you to http://www.dougie.uk.com/streets.html who provided me with the song and lyrics

hope everyone is coping well with prelims. must rmb to eat and sleep well though.

on another note. bus fares are going to rise again. it may be only 1 or 2 cents but too the low income it all adds up to quite a bit of money. it doesn't help that gst has just risen or that it seems as if singapore is experiencing quite a bit of inflation.

i suppose theres all a rational for this. the thing is, i do not fully understand. isn't there another way to absorb the rise in operations cost? surely the company is still making profits. (quite a bit of profit too although one wonders how much of it trickles down to everyone) like what the straits times wrote, "how much profit is enough?" it would be nice if someone could explain to me or if i had the time to read more about and ponder over this issue.

Bus fares to go up by 1 to 2 cents from Oct 1
By Christopher Tan, Senior Correspondent

BUS fares will go up by one to two cents from Oct 1, the Public Transport Council announced on Tuesday.

But there will be no increase in train fares.

Senior citizen concessionary EZ-Link bus fares, which are flat fares pegged to the lowest adult EZ-Link fare band will also increase by 2 cents, up from the current 65 cents.

However, because they are flat fares, the same 67 cents fare will apply regardless of the distance travelled.

'The PTC has to strike a balance between safeguarding commuters' interests and ensuring the financial viability of the public transport operators so that they can continue to improve their services over time and sustain their capital investments,' Chairman of the PTC Gerard Ee said.

The majority of commuters will see no increase or a small increase in fares, said PTC. Taking into account both bus and rail trips, five in 10 trips will see no increase; one in 10 trips will see an increase of 1 cent and the remaining four in 10 trips will see an increase of 2 cents.

$3 million in vouchers to help needy cope with bus fare hike

The government and public transport operators SMRT Corporation and SBS Transit have set aside $3 million to help needy families cope with the latest bus fare increase.The government will draw down $2.4 million from the Public Transport Fund which was set up to help the lower-income households, said a joint statement from the Ministry of Community Development, Youths and Sports (MCYS), Ministry of Transport and People's Association, shortly after the the Public Transport Council approved an increase of 1 to 2 cents in adult bus fares from Oct 1. Rail fares remain unchanged.

The Council said in August that transport operators SBS Transit and SMRT Corp had applied for fare increases - an annual revision exercise governed by a set formula.

Back then, the operators blamed high costs - in particular the high price of fuel and manpower - for the need to raise their fares. They are citing the same reasons this time.
SBS Transit, part of the ComfortDelGro group, for instance, said their costs have gone up significantly.

"Energy costs, for example, rose by 20 per cent or $20.3 million last year - having already increased by 41.2 per cent in 2005," SBS Transit spokesman Tammy Tan said.

"Manpower costs, the company's largest cost component, also increased by about $12.1 million during the year."

SBS also pointed out that it had invested heavily in buses as well as commuter services.
It spent $135 million on new buses in the past two years. And it has rolled out an online bus arrival system, which helps commuters to plan their journeys better.

Lower SMRT earnings SMRT pointed out that the increase in the goods and services tax as well as the 1.5 percentage point rise in employers' CPF contributions will pull down its earnings by about $11 million a year.

It said the fare increase, if kept to this year's cap of 1.8 per cent, would only partially offset the company's total cost increases.

SBS is proposing to keep children and school student fares as well as concession pass charges unchanged.

SMRT has also said it will not raise fares for children and students, and all bus cash fares.

SMRT is also waiving any increase to the first fare band of its MRT single-trip ticket, which costs 90 cents. It added that it would extend its senior citizen concession hours to match SBS'.
Schemes to help the poor Both operators said they would come up with schemes to help the poor cope with any fare rise.

'We have tried to keep fare increase small for as many commuters as possible but we know that any fare increase, no matter how small, would still be felt by commuters, especially tho se from needy families,

'Those who need additional help will receive help from the Government's Public Transport Fund. The public transport four operators will also chip in towards public transport vouchers to help low-income families cope with the fare increase,' Mr Ee said.

The Consumers Association of Singapore (Case) is not entirely convinced that a fare hike is in order.

Case executive director Seah Seng Choon has pointed out that transport companies are enjoying "good returns." For instance, SMRT achieved a 39 per cent rise in net earnings to $37.94 million in the first quarter.

"'With such significant increase in net earnings, commuters would certainly expect it to show clear justifications for any need to hike fares at this point in time,' he said.

From http://www.straitstimes.com/Latest+News/Singapore/STIStory_156857.html?vgnmr=1

forgive

2007-09-06T20:20:00.000+08:00

she stayed away. she never ventured there after that. there were monsters and scary things there. beasts and fearful things she didn't want to face. didn't dare to face.

but then time passed and she was sick and tired of that black hole in her. that part that was fearful of beasts and monsters. it was time to face her fears.

and she discovered there weren't monsters there after all. it was just an ordinary park with bicycle lanes and grasses and flowers.

now if only she could learn how to forgive.

reading

2007-09-05T21:28:00.000+08:00

wrapped up in a blanket on a cold windy night. the pillow's cushioning the back. the knees are drawn up. a cup of hot milo is on the left and the wonderful book is resting on the knees covered with the blanket. its cold but its warm and you're transported to another world.

death has always intrigued mankind.

...

i wish i had all the time in the world. then i'll go around visiting all my friends, chatting up with them while drinking tea. and then i'll go around and do things that i want instead of sitting down here bemoaning the sad state of the world.

its time to stop whining and start taking action

happy teachers' day

2007-09-01T19:29:00.000+08:00

happy teachers' day (: we all need to acknowledge the hard work that dedicated teachers put in. i say dedicated because there are many teachers that are not. just like in any profession there are people who are not dedicated to their work. thankfully most of the teachers i know are wonderfully committed and dedicated to teaching.

so yup, thank you to those who've taught me and made a difference in my life. you know who you are (: from my primary school teachers to secondary school to jc... and my principals, and those who taught me in a way thats out of the academic context.

...

kinda feel like im working on clockwork. just moving on and on and on. and i think i need a pensieve to store all my thoughts. and if only i can have restful dreamless sleeps.

Coin-operated boy by Dresden Dolls

Coin operated boy
sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
but i turn him on and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a coin operated boy

coin operated boy
he may not be real experienced with girls
but i know he feels like a boy should feel
isnt that the point that is why i want a
coin operated boy
with his pretty coin operated voice
saying that he loves me that hes thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why i want
a coin operated boy.

the search

2007-08-29T21:33:00.000+08:00

walked into the library today. and there lying on the table was this book just waiting for me to pick up and read. and once i started, my goodness, it took some effort to put it down. its been quite a while since a book has had me as captivated as such and i relished the challenge in making sense out of it.

its abt computer technology and business. quite a challenge since all three are not my forte, on the contrary its like what im least familiar with but it was so interesting.

dropped my chem and took in one corner where i read abt how 2 undergraduates came up with a billion dollar business that changed the way we find information today.

from: http://battellemedia.com/thesearch/

巫启贤－寂寞是因为思念谁

2007-08-27T16:05:00.000+08:00

巫启贤 －寂寞是因为思念谁

你知不知道思念一个人的滋味
就像喝一杯冰冷的水
然后用很长很长的时间
一颗一颗流成热泪

你知不知道忘记一个人的滋味
就像欣赏一种残酷的美
然后用很小很小的声音
告诉自己坚强面对

你知不知道寂寞的滋味

寂寞是因为思念谁

你知不知道痛苦的滋味

痛苦是因为想忘记谁

...

i like all these old songs. just like old movies that are so timeless. the sound of music, grease. just like the carpenters. just like poems. some things that the modern world just cannot provide.

do foreigners bring more problems than benefits? it feels to me that theres no need for discussion at all. because it is inevitable that singapore will have more foreigners not just inevitable but necessary for her continued survival. so even if there are problems, we just have to find a way to tackle it and live with it. because it is unlikely that we can survive without them.

angel

2007-08-25T14:30:00.000+08:00

i wondered if i had achieved anything at all in my life... sometimes it seems as if whatever you did never really made a difference.

if i could have achieved just half of what the people i admire achieve, i wld be satisfied...

...

and then you sent an angel along.

...

perhaps u'll rmb that one morning while walking to school i pointed out the clouds to you, but i know i'll remember that one gloomy day you were the angel sent.

fly away

2007-08-23T20:41:00.000+08:00

fly fly fly away

fly away from everything and everything...

i do love this world and this place

but sometimes i just need to fly away

fly to a place of my very own

and live a life of everlasting joy

2007-08-22T19:15:00.000+08:00

it was a splendid night and i secretly laughed at those who brought out their video cams and camera. how could they think they can capture the splendour and expanse of the sky with that tiny screen? i know because i tried and in the end i missed out on the real thing. nothing can compare with totally feeling it there and then.

haha.. after that i felt that i would die happy. it was kinda surreal too as if it was some magical lights that was drawing me in.

and so fleeting...

last august i said this when we had to stop training.

"The boats are in the shed, the paddles on the racks
We lock the place with much regret.
For a while we deviate from the track
In a month's time we’ll be back."

this year.. its slightly different.

"My paddle hangs there, bloody Mary's on her rack
I can only peer longingly through the locked shed.
For now my books I have to attack
I wonder if ever the waves will take me back"

more poems

2007-08-16T21:13:00.000+08:00

more poems. (: sometimes we just need all these literature stimulation.

Never seek to tell thy love
by William Blake

Never seek to tell thy love
Love that never told could be;
For the gentle wind does move
Silently, invisibly.

I told my love, I told my love,
I told her all my heart,
Trembling, cold, in ghastly fears –
Ah, she doth depart.

Soon as she was gone from me
A traveller came by
Silently, invisibly –
He took her with a sigh.

This one reminds me of 300 spartans. and how we wanted to be like the spartans. even if we knew we were going to die, we do not give in, we do not give up. we fight. (:

The Charge of the Light Brigade
by Alfred, Lord Tennyson

1.
Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
"Forward, the Light Brigade!"
Charge for the guns!" he said:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
2.
"Forward, the Light Brigade!"
Was there a man dismay'd?
Not tho' the soldier knew
Someone had blunder'd:
Their's not to make reply,
Their's not to reason why,
Their's but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
3.
Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
Rode the six hundred.
4.
Flash'd all their sabres bare,
Flash'd as they turn'd in air,
Sabring the gunners there,
Charging an army, while
All the world wonder'd:
Plunged in the battery-smoke
Right thro' the line they broke;
Cossack and Russian
Reel'd from the sabre stroke
Shatter'd and sunder'd.
Then they rode back, but not
Not the six hundred.
5.
Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon behind them
Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
While horse and hero fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro' the jaws of Death
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
Left of six hundred.
6.
When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
All the world wondered.
Honor the charge they made,
Honor the Light Brigade,
Noble six hundred.

2007-08-15T23:45:00.000+08:00

i rmb reading this in rg.. a long time ago when i still took lit.

My Father's Love Letters
By Yusef Komunyakaa

On Fridays he'd open a can of Jax
After coming home from the mill,
& ask me to write a letter to my mother
Who sent postcards of desert flowers
Taller than men. He would beg,
Promising to never beat her
Again. Somehow I was happy
She had gone, & sometimes wanted
To slip in a reminder, how Mary Lou
Williams' "Polka Dots & Moonbeams"
Never made the swelling go down.
His carpenter's apron always bulged
With old nails, a claw hammer
Looped at his side & extension cords
Coiled around his feet.
Words rolled from under the pressure
Of my ballpoint: Love,
Baby, Honey, Please.
We sat in the quiet brutality
Of voltage meters & pipe threaders,
Lost between sentences . . .
The gleam of a five-pound wedge
On the concrete floor
Pulled a sunset
Through the doorway of his toolshed.
I wondered if she laughed
& held them over a gas burner.
My father could only sign
His name, but he'd look at blueprints
& say how many bricks
Formed each wall. This man,
Who stole roses & hyacinth
For his yard, would stand there
With eyes closed & fists balled,
Laboring over a simple word, almost
Redeemed by what he tried to say.

thankful

2007-08-14T21:50:00.000+08:00

i wonder when it'll be that i can go past macritchie without a tinge of sadness, a pang of sorrow. i wonder when it'll be when i can go to school on saturday, not start at the unpredictable 156 bus and not think of the moment many saturdays ago that i was rowing or playing at the pull up bar.

in a way when we joined canoeing, we adopted a different way of life. the canoeing way of life. we all made adjustments to our habits. our diet, our sleeping patterns, our discipline when studying.

and im just thankful for all that has happened in my life.

stand chart

2007-08-12T13:21:00.000+08:00

so thats it. i AM running a marathon on the 2nd december.

if i had known that you'll kick up such a fuss and be so annoying abt it i wld have asked someone else to help me sign up.

yay (: it'll be fun.

national day

2007-08-11T21:10:00.000+08:00

national day celebrations were actually quite cool. except the booths were too crowded with j1s so me n jl dint bother to go play the games. we bummed around, went to eat food, bought alot of chocolate, watched the captain's ball which was really cool and sat down to talk. somehow or rather was feeling really whiny that day and haha... jl bore the burnt of my childishness. then at 6 plus ran all the way back to the canteen to find half of the canoobs at the canoe table. whee... it seems like the old times when we sat at j8 food court and talked long after the food was gone. except a little different. some ppl not arnd. but ahhh... the company was good enough. (:

omg i cant believe our j1s get to wear the no. 1 uniform! but they dont have all the badges and shiny stuff.. too bad. the ceremony was kinda weird... their slow march strides were too big... someone stacked all flags up and waved them about. i tried to take a picture but people kept walking by. i always did like the track at this time of the day... with its bright orange sky and cool breeze. and then the night wore on and i got tired and grumpy and grouchy.. haha... good thing i had them around to keep sane... even though it was kinda fun but i was really glad to get away from the crush of people and go home.

weds did my 3 achievements and sent one copy to mrs lee to take a look. she actually took time off to help me take a look. yay (: then went for cip... that place is nice. nice facilities... playground, football court, basketball court. but sometimes its not the hardware that we need so much as the software. and i just felt rather sad. cause every kid deserves to grow up healthily, not just physically but also emotionally and with lots of love. somehow i felt that the kids in laos have something the kids there didn't.

had a good chat that night. one quite overdued but it didn't matter. thanks. (:

national day was also louise's birthday! yay yay. it was good meeting up with the class and i wore my pretty sandals out. then went back, rested a while and went out again. haha... omg. city hall was super crowded... lots of families and also alot of foreigners. spent quite a while trying to find somewhere to go.. haha..

i've always liked the city hall area. and after studying urban geog you learn to appreciate the urban landscape even more. like why are the buildings of different heigh, the value of gentrification, the tip-top infrastructure that makes so much sense to have the celebrations in the CBD area.. its a pity the lightings are not up yet.. it would really be beautiful to see at night.

i think i agree with et. once a ug always a ug. n esp if u've marched on such events before. think if et was arnd we wld have simultaneously gushed over the men in uniform. that crisp gleaming white uniform. the shining boots. the precision and neatness of the rows and the marching. haha... the military display outdid themselves this year. they brought out so many tricks that kept the audience on the edges of their seats.

and then we waited for the fireworks.. haha.. seems like nobody's really interested with the mass displays... we waited and waited and waited... like that time. when we stood beneath the bridge and talked about guides. like that time we stood together and gossiped about the class... like the first time i held my breath as the fireworks coloured the skies.

they had blue pink and purple this year. and lots of lots of stars. i really do love fireworks, even the simplest ones are so brilliant. no matter how short-lived they are, for that one glorious moment, its as if u've lived ur life to the greatest. and they had the golden showers this year too! too bad there was too much smoke. and as always im amazed that so many ppl will come out to wait and watch for the fireworks display. how nice it'll be to live as spectacularly and brightly as the lights in the sky.

and everything has to end doesn't it? theres no forever as much as we like to dream and believe in it.

missed one run this week. and i realized i was wrong all along. i thought i ran so that i could have time to think about stuff.. but instead the opposite is true. i run so that i stop thinking about other things. when i run i just think about running and my mind's just free from all the complicated thoughts that had been gripping it. perhaps thats why that time after chem i ran, perhaps thats why that day i ran... perhaps.

perhaps one day you will all spread your wings and fly and i'll say my goodbyes with more smiles then tears. and i'll stay where i've always been, an anchor to this place. cause i'll hold on to the believe and wait for the day when we'll all be together here again. one day.

sometimes its not the things you say but the things you don't say.

Out of Reach

2007-08-06T20:03:00.001+08:00

Gabrielle - Out of Reach

Knew the signs wasn't right
I was stupid, for a while
Swept away, by you
And now I feel like a fool

So confused
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never met to be

Catch myself, from despair
I could drown if I stay here
Keeping busy, everyday
I know I will be ok
But I'm

So confused
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never met to be

So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time
You'll be out of my mind
I'll be over you

And know I'm
So confused
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never met to be
Out of reach, so far,
You never gave your heart
In my reach,
I can see
There's a life out there for me

i miss you

2007-08-03T22:19:00.001+08:00

suddenly i missed the times we all sat in a circle... and talked.

it just seemed so abrupt. so sudden. not the ending we had hoped for.

i miss our laughter. i miss our jokes. i miss our lunches and the chicken rice.

i miss the number TWELVE.

...

and i can only hope that i helped. although at the end of the day it'll be something u have to overcome. its hard, its difficult, its long. but everyone is willing to walk the road with you. there will come a time when everything will come to light.

swallows gone

2007-08-02T19:43:00.001+08:00

one thing that i couldn't avoid was whether what i was doing was right. what exactly is the reason for my actions. why is it exactly that im staying on.

as the words of the pledge rolled unthinkingly off my mouth, i turned my gaze to the sky.
a few dozen swallows were circling the air randomly yet in a similar direction. distracted, i took my eyes off them for a while but when i looked back up, they were gone.

Canadian Vesper
Softly at the close of day
As our campfire fades away
Silently each Guide should ask
Have I done my daily task
Have I kept my honour bright
Shall I guiltless sleep tonight
Have I done and have I dared
Everything to be prepared

and i can almost hear your voice echoing in my head...

chocolate

2007-08-01T20:05:00.001+08:00

if theres one thing thats irresistible to alot of females... its chocolate. somehow the delightful blend of cocoa, milk and sugar sometimes evoke such cravings in alot of us. it is alot of sugar. it is calories, it is saturated fats... a whole lot of things that we want to avoid. but somehow when we see of chocolate cake/chocolate ice-cream, chocolate related stuff, we are just sorely tempted.

although i do know someone who dislikes chocolate. and the funny thing is she loves food, anything and everything - apart from chocolate.

...

and then there was the continuous, mechanic whirring sound of the trendmill... and the rythmic 'pak pak pak' of our footsteps as they matched in time and then broke off into their own beats. the breathing was even, the heart was pumping. i felt alive.

emotional weariness

2007-07-27T19:44:00.000+08:00

today is enrolment and striping. we nearly had it in the void deck where i had my very first striping. i rmb my enrolment was in the grass patch for the dental car. and we marched around the bushes.

today, i said goodbye to the sec 4s. the 'thomas' batch... the batch i rmb well because that was a year of change for the both of us. me as a uncertain pl, them as a new recruit... its been my honour to see them grow. and today and tmr will be the last time i'll see them together as one whole batch. and i realize how much ill miss them.

the 5 years of striping that ive seen. collecting my recruits, camp christine, watching them get striped. camp, aa... everything just zoomed past in an instance.

休息是为了走更长的路

reminicising.

2007-07-24T20:16:00.000+08:00

today is just cold. almost freezing cold. when more than half of the population in the lt is wearing a sweater, u know something is wrong with the temperature

all the little things that ive ignored while preparing for nats, getting over the hangover from nats is now all coming to find me. yeah, things ive left behind for too long. seems somehow that i'm pulled in different direction. there isn't one thing thats very impt but more like many pressing matters that i need to attend to.

i never thought that i'll have to go through the whole process again. thankfully this time its just the tip of the iceberg. if i have to spend another week killing my brain cells over the coh, i think i might just die.. haha. but seriously, every small decision made has repurcussions. of course, sometimes we cant help it when people change.

and i think finally i understand what you said to the three of us. when you decide whether or not to give someone a post, or what post to give, you simply have to look at whether she has proven herself over the years.

yup. (: wise words that i only understand now. hopefully that means i'm growing wiser.

and the pile of work staring at me is starting to make me a bit panicky... there are still stuff that i need to settle which has to take priority over studies... ahh... but what's life without abit of challenge... it wouldn't be interesting otherwise.

and as i walked home in the chilly wind, i wondered how cold other parts of the world is if singapore is so cold right now. and i wonder what magical wonders is mother nature doing now thats causing this drop in temperature.

and it just struck me that i've seen them for 4 years now.

stamd chart

2007-07-22T18:56:00.000+08:00

stand chart $55 for early bird full marathon. 2nd December...

2nd december. i'll be there... just thinking if i'll likely go for the full marathon... probably pretty likely. but that will mean a commitment im making not only to train for it but also to take care of my knees.

the 10km today was pretty painful after i was 2/3 way through. but i guess one thing i like abt paying for my runs is that i like running with everyone. u see alot of people.

oh. registration for newbalance real run has begun. 28th october 7.30 register by end september. $30

and cause my shoes were wet and muddy, i asked jlin for shoes... unfortunately i cld only fit into her heels. and since i haven worn heels in such a very long time, i of course cldn't get use to it. anw the heels are wear are such comfortable low heels...

which made me wonder why on earth do people wanna wear heels when there are perfectly good flats! and i must find out how on earth do people dance in heels. its just incredible. but seriously, heels shld be demolished and obliterated from the face of the earth. they are too much trouble and cause too much problems.

seize the day

2007-07-21T20:35:00.000+08:00

its been a week and a few days. for many many reasons, i didn't manage to study at all this whole week. just couldn't sit down and concentrate... and there were just too many other stuff that need to be seen to.

and i just spent 5 hrs finishing hp.

many a times when i thought about canoeing and i thought why we were training so hard, why we were silly (in many people's way of thinking) to squander away our time and energy for something as trivial as our dreams, i would think of this. and i will know that this is one of the many reasons why we row/rowed. to seize the day.

To the Virgins, to make much of Time

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he 's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he 's to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may, go marry:
For having lost but once your prime,
You may for ever tarry.

- Robert Herrick

best days of my life

2007-07-17T20:27:00.000+08:00

Bryan Adams - Summer of '69

I got my first real six-string
Bought it at the five-and-dime
Played it till my fingers bled
It was the summer of '69

Me and some guys from school
Had a band and we tried real hard
Jimmy quit and Jody got married
I shoulda known we'd never get far

Oh when I look back now
That summer seemed to last forever
And if I had the choice
Ya - I'd always wanna be there
Those were the best days of my life

Ain't no use in complainin'
When you got a job to do
Spent my evenin's down at the drive-in
And that's when I met you

Standin' on your mama's porch
You told me that you'd wait forever
Oh and when you held my hand
I knew that it was now or never
Those were the best days of my life
Back in the summer of '69

Man we were killin' time
We were young and restless
We needed to unwind
I guess nothin' can last forever - forever, no

And now the times are changin'
Look at everything that's come and gone
Sometimes when I play that old six-string
I think about ya wonder what went wrong

Standin' on your mama's porch
You told me it would last forever
Oh the way you held my hand

I knew that it was now or never
Those were the best days of my life

saw jiaolian again today.

whined/crapped/talked, made a fool of myself. unbecomingly restless. is it cause something's missing. blog surfed, was jealous of those with 6 years with the water and their teamates... revisiting the past, the same incidences etc etc.

长江后浪推前浪
一代旧人换新人

or like what charpoh said...

后浪死在沙滩上

feels abit like it isn't it... the j2s are all retiring.. filling the libraries, the benches with their notes, revision papers and tys... and the j1s are taking over. carrying on the burning passion and desire. filling the gyms, the track, the fields...

...

and i felt so naive.. why wld i have thought u'll be any different. i guess i was just disillusioning myself. i guess i just thought everything wld go my way. perhaps my intuition had failed me, had let me down. looks like u're the same as everyone else after all...

miss my boat

2007-07-16T19:54:00.000+08:00

was surprisingly tired today. i think was because i didn't sleep well last night. for some reason i tossed and turned, sleep was elusive... i think the heart and the mind was too restless...

some part of me still yearns. still yearns desperately to be back on the water... with everyone...

we met each other at the gym. the familiar faces and smiles. as if nothing had change... but everything had. in the past, it was so easy to do that heavy weight, to push urself thru that extra situp, that pull up... and now, the only thing thats pushing us on is the fear that we'll lose our muscles and become fat. which isnt much of a motivation after a while.

maybe its some desperate attempt in me to hold on to the past. hold on to those glorious days.

supposed to study hard today, but decided to come home. i barely survived one hour before i surrendered to bed... drifting off to sleep, i caught fragments of dreams, memories, thoughts flitting restlessly.... boats... green boats, the face of the ex st joseph now national guy... more canoeists, from everywhere, rj canoeists... and the water as what we see from the pontoon...

even with sleep fragmented by images, i had a good rest. and i wish and wish to be back on my boat again...

too much grease

2007-07-15T18:43:00.000+08:00

got too much free time on my hands now thats not going into productive work. bad bad bad...

i think 4 slices of pizza and long johns breakfast and like half of shawna's fries in 3 days is more than what my body can take. too much grease and salt. and i think too little water too... so ytd felt like i was going to die... haha... so thats it, im going to swear off fast food for quite a long time...

whee! im glad that we all learned so much in the past 1.5 years (: and its really an honour to be part of the team of 06/07.

we waited in the canteen for our pizza... night had slowly crept up on us, taking us unawares. someone chanced a glance at t the sky.... "Look!" we turned and our breaths caught at the beauty. racing outside, we looked longingly as the red sky turned to darkness.

withdrawal symptoms.

2007-07-14T20:55:00.000+08:00

i think pizza and long johns in two days nearly killed me. i feel like im gg to die soon. too much grease and salt.

we were having withdrawal symptoms today.

if i ever had the chance to wake up everyday at 530am in the morning to come to macritchie to row... i would... n i know most if not all of the girls wld too.. not just bcause we're trng for what we believe in, but because we love rowing (or more accurately, paddling) and we love even more the chance of spending more time with each other... (:

i rmb one day we stood at macritchie in the shelter, watching all the other schls head down to the water. watching them carrying their boats, going down, it was so hard.. esp when we had been the first ones there. how could it be that we who came earlier could not row, could only watch in envy as other schools took to the water...

to suddenly have so much free time.. it feels weird. to suddenly have no more dreams to work towards to... it feels weird. to suddenly not demand oneself to give the best that one can give... its feels weird... to suddenly stop conquering one's fear... ahhh.. withdrawal symptoms...

sitting down, our shoulders will just move by themselves. an action that had become a habit. thank you macritchie for having been a wonderful place for me. for me, the canoeing sport has come to symbolize so much. as much as its about developing oneself, it has frm start till end, to me, been more about the team. that is why i feel sorry and sad when people... after many years in canoeing, do not gain something out of it. not medals nth to do with medals... but the more impt things in life like friendship, love, respect, good character, integrity, humility, etc etc... thankfully, almost everyone who've stayed till the end of their canoeing career have grown within... sometimes its just the 0.0001% black sheep.

my mum bought me an orange bag! whee... we went arnd looking for it and lo and behold we found it.. thanks mummy. (:

challenge

2007-07-13T17:57:00.000+08:00

today we had the challenge of facing the school, our friends, our teachers. what do we say to them when they asked how our competition is. but for me, the biggest challenge was faced yesterday when we all stood at the awards ceremony to see the medals being given out to our competitors. having to stand through it all, hold our heads high and congratulate the winners. it was tough but we made it through in the end. and i never saw a stronger girls team then... they swept their disappointment aside and stood brave in front of all the other schools.

the auntie at the drinks stall heard abt it ytd evening. she asked 有没有赢？and we said no. she was disappointed but she quickly added, 不用紧，尽力就好. my friends basically said more or less the same thing. even though they never truly will know what we went through, but their faith in that we had done our best was comforting.

i think the post on the guys' blog basically said quite a lot of what i felt... but one thing i would like to add is that, we've tried. we've really tried to change the circumstances, but they remain as such. so what could we do? we took what we had, we gave in our all and just believed that it would be enough. as long as we didn't hold anything back. as long as every trng we gave it our best shot. we couldn't have more water trngs, so we did other stuff... we tried to capitalize on our strengths. no we cannot alter what is fixed and set in solid gold by law, we could only believe and work our way around it.

we poured our heart and soul into it, but i guess it just isn't our time and other schls were better in those 3 days. but im more or less okay with that now. i think like what my teamates have said, it all happens for a reason. He probably has something to tell us, some lesson for us to learn. and in the past 3 days it seems to me that all of us have grown stronger.

...

went to watch gym comp. perhaps just so as to avoid staying at home with nth to do. i can't bring myself to touch my work yet. seems as if i've left part of me behind. some part of me still can't fully grasp the fact that our season has ended. how do you just walk away frm smth that has occupied ur thoughts almost 24/7 for the past 18 mths? how do u suddenly just say goodbye to ur boat, ur paddle, the water, ur dreams... life will be pretty empty for a while before i gather myself back into focus.

even if i had known the end result will be thus, i wld still have dreamed. i wld still have believed in that dream. i wld still have done as much or more... even if the result was the same.

thank you bloody mary
and thank You for giving me this team, jiaolian and this 1 and a half years in raffles canoeing.

end of nats 2007

2007-07-12T22:46:00.000+08:00

its almost 11. a thousand thoughts just ran through my head, are still running in fact. and i wonder where to start...

lets start with the congratulations.

congratulations to jolene! and lulu! for getting third in t1 1000m and c1 500m respectively. congratulations to njc guys/girls for winning the team gold, to hwachong girls and guys for winning the team silver, for acs i (boys) and pjc (girls) for winning the team bronze. and acjc for winning 4th for boys and girls.

go back alittle in time... i blogged very little this past 1 mth plus before nationals. actually there were alot of things i wanted to say. june was one of the longest month i had. training wasn't going well, my spirits were spiralling dangerously low... i dint wanna talk abt depressing stuff on my blog so i chose not to write anything instead.

and as the last 3 days approached, i talked to people who said very sensible stuff that normally i shld have known but their saying it made me more focus on what i had to do. one week before 10th july, jiaolian basically said my strokes sux and i was rowing rubbish. of course not in those words... but that really got me down. but with so little time left till nats, i tried my hardest to throw them aside and instead focus on what all of you have been telling me.

so i watched videos, i threw aside my 'bad' trngs. i threw aside the bad rows i had with the horrible right wind at bedok. everydays i swung my arms and moved my shoulders, just waiting for things to click and willing the strokes to find themselves.

and all too soon it was nats week.

pre nats
we were supposed to have a gd shot at 2nd. if all had gone well by jiaolian's prediction we shld have claimed the silver. we were gunning for gold. we were going out for the 'kill', for our dreams. we were rowing with 'belief', we were rowing to win. but most of all, we vowed to fight. we vowed to unleash. we vowed to show what a rafflesian is.

nats day 1
reached arnd 730. got mary out, went down to paddle. there were heck lot of people. the lanes were freaking crooked. oh, u cant tell frm the end pt, but at the starting line at 1000m when u look down the lanes, u sometimes look down the wrong lane. at 500m the line turns at some weird angle. rowed 4km with 4 start burst. went up. we watched jo clear her heats. we watched selene clear her heats and we cheered for her brave row. we watched et and hannah crash out. n my heart wept for them because i knew they had put in their best, but it just wasn't meant to be. i went down during siau rui's race. told myself i had visualized this so many times before. had quite a while to wait at the start line. thats when i started getting nervous. but i talked to myself and promised that if this was gg to be the last time i was rowing mary ill make sure its a damn good row. told myself not to fear because all i wanted from myself was to do my best. and so i just had to defeat myself, which ive already done many times before... even tho results are important, but i knew if i thought abt the results ill get stressed. so instead i focus on just giving all that i cld...

my heat was easy. all the same, the feeling of crossing the line first is really shiok and i'll treasure that moment for a long time to come. man said that when i burst i suddenly rowed better and i was really happy. siaurui, van made it thru too.

for the guys thousand guoren n shenglin made it thru the heats. and later so did peter.

and then it was the girls 500. muddy n javine's race was a shock for us. not because they didn't row well... they did row well. we found out later that there was some disorientation at the start that cost them a gd start tt wld have given them an edge over the rest and possibly a place in the next race. it was hearbreaking, knowing how hard they've worked. knowing how much it meant to them, knowing how they tried their best but the result just didn't show. and i think a big part of us just wondered, why. why. and why. was it because the heat had the eventual 1st 2nd, 4th boat? why? yang cleared. ge cleared. deb and meera cleared. manda cleared. and xinmiao cleared. i rmb ximi's race clearly. i rmb watching her every stroke. only a canoeist will know how much pain/effort it takes to burst and continue bursting at the last part when ur body is screaming in protest. and i saw her push it thru even tho at the final part it was already so hard. and the k4 cleared. that one respect. they braced so many times yet they cleared it so nicely. well done to our j1s.

james cleared. liangjie cleared, marcus shenghao cleared, chinx/victor n justin/seetoh cleared. ky cleared. lulu cleared. shawn n eugene's race was another heartbreaking one. one that we watched with the setting sun. one that we eventually had to accept and move on.

nats day 2
came down at abt 1130. found the races pushed back. waited for lunch break to go down and row. i was in lane 4. the last row of buoys had 7 lanes while the 2nd last buoys had 6 lanes. made sure i counted very carefully and checked that i was in the correct position. finish my row, went up. as i prepared to go down, i realized even though this time the mindset was still the same - row the race of my life, have fun and dont give anything less than the best, dont give up fighting for the team... but this time, i wanted the finals. i wanted the finals so badly at some points it threathened to overwhelm. i wanted the pts for my team, for jl. i wanted to msg my frens to tell them i got into finals! and then i took deep breaths and i thought of my race. the race i want to do. my perfect race. no pressure. no nth. rowed out in bloody mary and i talked to her. said that it may be the last time im rowing her, thanked her for all that she'd given me, and then i said, lets do it together. lets fly across the water as if we'll nv have the chance to do it again.

again at the start line, i tempered down the fear. all too soon, the horn sounded and we were gone. i think right from the start i was lagging behind. victoria charged forth and soon there were 3 boats in my peripheral vision. (excluding victoria) and when i saw them, i just told myself, come on joohui, row the race of ur life, fly across the water and row this race without regret. so i made it all the way past 500m, without cutting lanes (which is kinda a miracle because i always cut lanes at macritchie), and then i approached 200m. i was still way behind. and as i neared, i heard people shouting... a small part of me wanted to give in then... wanted to say, its impossible, i can't catch up. but i heard ppl shouting n i just assumed they were shouting for me and my teammates flashed across my mind (when u're rowing sometimes small thoughts just bombard across the mind) and the last part, i just wanted to fight it out for them. as long as theres a little bit of chance ill fight for them, fight for our dream. fight for our effort. fight for our team. in the end it still wasn't enough. and when i crossed the buoy it felt like women's open all over again. when it seemed as if the best u gave at that time just isn't enough. stubborn me refused to let anyone carry bloody mary. and i lay her down to rest and i told her thanks for everything, for letting me fly across one last time, sorry we cldn't have one last row together.

and then i had to face my team. i think man told me i rowed really well.... later, we saw jo clear her semis and omg i was some leaky tap that day. when she came up we both started crying because i know how much it mean to her and she knew how much it mean to me and we all knew how much it mean to the team. but most of all i was so happy she gave her all to it and she got the results she deserved. van and shawna cleared too. and it was the same feeling i had for them. just super glad that their best effort paid off. then it was yang's race. and omg, she totally owned the rest. we hung arnd the results board a long time. and i rmb when that guy put up the paper, my eyes immediately zeroed in on that 2 letters that looked so out of place on the board. man and i just stoned there a long time. then we decided to walk over to tell jiaolian.

b4 we said anything, jl looked at me a long time and he basically said that i had completed my task and i think he said i rowed not bad or smth to that extent. today when i looked at the video of my row, i realized what my teamates have been saying is really true. that final race i rowed... my strokes were really nice. after so many months of struggling to get the proper stroke, i nv cld have dreamed that i wld be able to row like that. it looked cool, it looked pro. it looked like what yang rows and smth that i've always wished i cld. so perhaps, in that, it was a miracle for me already.... when one week ago i dont think i was anything near there.

when we told jiaolian, he was in shock for a while. and then he looked away and stared at the lanes instead. and that day, i thought yang and jiaolian were the strongest people arnd. for when yang knew abt it, she stood firm and calm, like some rock in the strongest wind. she thought abt it, pondered it, listened to what mr go had to say and then accepted it. jiaolian is as cool or even cooler because he had to suffer one more blow. cj's c1 got dq cause it was too light and james' boat got dq because the bag of rock that was placed in the boat fell out before he entered the water. and yet jiaolian stood firm, he accepted the facts/results/circumstance and ill nv forget that when he left he turned to smile and wave goodbye at us. that to me, is a testamen of his strong character.

later we would gravitate to a circle, with our arms arnd each other. and we asked, why, why and why. and we accpeted it that God had something to tell us. we watched facing the giants together. when we win, we praise Him, when we lose we praise Him. It was so hard. so hard to accept what had happened. i think the last time i cried this bad was 2 years ago when i got the results of PGA. that time, i wondered if i did my best... this time, i knew we had tried so bloody hard, accepting defeat was just such a diffcult lesson. we told ourselves to hold our heads high. we tried, we really did. we fought. as hard as we cld. it wasn't enough. luck wasn't on our side. we talked a long time before we went home.

nats day 3
i really think jiaolian is cool. ytd, he had so many boats frm sji dq because of silly reasons like too light and go out of lane. in the afternoon he had yang, james and his cj c boat dq... it must be really hard on him.. yet he put on such a careless front for all of us. in our hearts we knew it mattered alot to him.

in the morning, we watched sji. if i were a guy, i wld join sji and i wld join canoeing. watching them, i wonder if they know how lucky i think they are. if they fall once in c div, they always have b div and they'll always have jc years to row. for some of us, its once in a lifetime. like me, i havent decided if ill continue rowing. rj and cj both cheered for sji. and we all agreed that it is heartbreaking to see little boys cry. and me and van's inspiration is still an inspiration.

for jo's race, everyone looked on par... then as we neared 200m, we shouted jo burst jo burst... our hearts and lungs nearly burst... we watch her get closer and closer to the finishing line. we watched, we screamed, we shouted... and she crossed... third. and oh gosh, i was so happy for her. she did it. she did it for us. for all of us. she did it for herself too. she deserved it. at the last part we all knew she was dying... we were all in her position before, but she pushed all the way, fought till the very end and she got results. and it was just so good...

girls k1 was well done also. i think siaurui had a very good row and no matter what selene says, we're so very proud of her... we watch van and shawna row the best race of their lives too. altho the results probably weren't what they wanted, but it was a good row, and thats what matters. that we fight fight fight and that we don't give, we don't give in. ximi and manda also rowed very good race. it really look like very very good races to me. we cheered for stacy for her race too... and i think if u've done ur best at that time... its alright.

k4 was another exciting race. i must say our j1s are super pro-ded... they have such potential to go so far. as long as they believe and hold on to their dreams. and im so happy for them, because just before nationals they were having quite a tough time... yet they held on to their guts/composure/belief... whatever and fought it out for raffles.

i think for me the hardest part today was the awards ceremony. having to stand there, hear the schools taking away the medals, hear the team awards being given away. rj didn't even get mentioned. it was heartbreaking, it was hard to bear. medals and awards that cld so easily have gone to my teammates who had worked to hard... but im not ashamed of bearing 'raffles canoeing' on my back. we trained hard, we fought, we really did. but like what muddy said, in this past 3 days, other schls were better than us at bedok. and so we lost, and we'll accept it... maybe not immediately, mayb we still got some stuff to settle, but eventually we will.

i must really say that theres no hard feelings between me and the other schls. of course some resentment... but i know too that they've trained very hard. how can i not know when we train at the same lovely place called macritchie... canoeists in almost every other schl are somewhat similar... with differences of course.

busride back and macritchie
during the bus ride back, i thought again and again. why why does all the bad luck have to happen to us this year. what went wrong? did we not train enough. was our strategy wrong? what was wrong? is it wrong to dream, was it wrong for us to believe? and someone reminded me of what i said...

"The tragedy of life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach. It isn't a calamity to die with dreams unfilled, but it is a calamity not to dream. It is not disgrace to reach the stars, but it is a disgrace to have no stars to reach for" - Benjamin E Mays

and even if all our dreams were shattered, reduced to dust. at least we dreamed. if we hadn't dreamed and we did win, what wld we have learned? i think i n the past 3 days we were forced to grow up. the now more than half of us who are 18 and the 5 of us who wld be 18 in 6 more mths had to suddenly deal with a huge setback. perhaps this is the lesson we are supposed to learn. perhaps.

although if you asked me, what went wrong, i cld say for myself, there were many things i cld have done. rowed faster during my race. fought the mj/nj boat... not allowed myself to get disheartened by back trainings and let my mood spiral down, watched more videos, do more dry strokes... trained more and more and more... if u asked what more cld have been done, i wld have said, have it at macritchie, have more water trngs... (not the 2 or 3 we have per week but like 4/5/6 times that the other schls were having closer to nats)... but... all that has been done. and nth cld b changed. for the circumstance, we work with what we have, we work within our constrains. for myself, thats something that only i and my teammates will have to resolve within ourselves.

right frm the very start, we were a bunch that wanted to give it our all for the dream. even if it meant waking up at 530 every day during the hols to reach mr at 7am in the morning. no matter how hard it was, we were willing to do it. we treasured every single minute of water time we had... they were had to come by and we understood and accepted that. while other schools went down every other day, we cld only watch in envy, and carried our strategy at the playground and with sji's weights.

i think i resolved most of the stuff i had on my mind when we were walking from macritchie to school. i mean, the bestest part that nobody cld take away, that no medal cld bring, that i wldn't trade for anything was the 11 girls i had around me. rjc canoeing 2006 and 2007. i wldn't trade that for anything in the world. anything at all. and in the past 3 days, i've seen how strong we've become, how we sorta grew even older overnight. we've faced defeat. stared it in the eye. we've walked away heads high. i faced the worst thru the awards ceremony and im glad muddy took me to shake the hands of the captains of the winning teams. they deserved it as much as i wished and felt that it cld have been ours...

we can't control bedok. we can't control the lanes. we can't control the luck that ran out on us. we put our trust and faith in Him, theres something that we're supposed to learn from this. i guess we'll eventually know. right now, its a matter of facing the schl and the repurcussions.

aftermath
i ate 4 slices of pizza. i felt like a pig. what will happen after this. how will rj admin react. on paper it will seem as if we lost. we were damn screwed up. we fouled up everything... we're useless... but i would say for our team that we've accepted that. we've discovered what it is to row without fear. i think most of us for our races we rowed fearlessly... i think most of us rowed fantastic races we probably nv thought we cld. or if not this time then one pt in time in the past 1 and a half years. "we fight in the sun we fight in the rain... we fight to give our school a name." if the rafflesian spirit is about fighting, i wld say we did that. with all my heart i'll say we did that. if its not enough for the schl, then so be it. with what we have, with the constrains, with a wonderful coach and a wonderful team, we did what we did...

to the j1s. one year isn't very long. neither is it very short. its easy to lose sight of the final goal. the final destination. after this year, you all might think its not worth it to fight for dreams. after all we fought and we nv got it. but what ill like to say is that dreams ARE worth fighting for. because no matter what the results are, either way u've won. u'll have grown, u'll have learnt things, u'll have discovered urself. so go ahead and dream. altho its not enough to just dream. translate ur dreams into actions. thats when you dont lose sight of ur final destination. itas easy to lose focus, there are many distracting things... but if u want something badly enough u'll find it within u and within ur teamates to carry on... and finally, the road ahead may not be a smooth time. sometimes everything seems so dreary and impossible... and u feel that hope is gone, u wanna give up. but if u still continue to go for trng, if u r still paddling, then not all that hope and dream is extinguished. its just buried inside u... waiting for u to pick up the pieces arnd u and continue to fight and continue to work hard for ur goal. it doesn't rain forever. and even if it does, so be it... u'll fight in the rain.

2 years ago i learnt a hard lesson. if u want something badly, never give anything less than ur best lest u regret. in the past 3 days, i have to learn that sometimes when u want something badly, when u've given what u think is the best to it, u discover its not enough. circumstances prevent u frm getting what you've worked for. how do u accept it? how do u learn to accept to graciously and move on. how do u pick urself up and hold ur head high. that is what i have learnt.

thank you to everyone who've helped raffles canoeing... not just me but my teamates.
to all canoeists, well done to those who've won. ur hard work paid off. to those who have not. look inside and ask urself if you've done ur best, if u have any regrets. at the same time, dont be over critical and kill urself over it... thats smth i have to learn to do also... and if not, to those who have a 2nd shock at it, make sure the next time u're racing, u're rowing the best race of ur lives.

ty to all canoeists frm other schls who made trng and fighting for a dream worthwhile. (:

and ty to my teammates. i love you girls loads and loads and loads.

-----------------------------------

played at the bar just for fun. someone said she'll cry the day she discover she can't do pull ups. n i rmb the 400 pull ups i did in one week, therefore straining my bicep.. haha, not very smart. and i rmb the 30 40 min runs i used to do 3 times a week until my leg piak... not very smart too.. but then im always stubborn abt these kinda things... the 9 10 11 plates (did we hit 12?) of lat pulls we did. the (6 7 did we hit 8?) plates of lat rows we did. the 1000 push ups in one trng.... the lord of the rings trng we had...

"this summer seems to last forever, and if i had a choice, i knew that it was now or never, those were the best days of my life."

tmr, raffles rows

2007-07-09T18:05:00.000+08:00

this is the final post before the competition. while my previous blog was all about guides, this one is all about canoeing.

one and a half years have passed and it has finally come down to this. i guess, at this point in time, wtv that has been said has been said. wtv that we could have done has been done. once in a while, a fragment of the past will creep into my head, reminding me of what we've done, how far we've come, the little things that keep me going even now. all the inspiring quotes... everything.

was it only 2 weeks ago that i sat down for my first ct paper? left with math and gp now. my only bone of contention is with chem. heck, how is it that i studied harder than ct 2 and did better in ct 1?

"i row for my boat, my paddle, my team and a dream".

i said that during camp and thats exactly what i'll be rowing for. and also for everyone who've been so supportive of me the past 1 and a half years. my family, even tho they grumble and complain and dont exactly like it, but they've nv stopped me from pursuing what i want to do. for my classmates who've endured my frequent absence from class events, rushing off after schl to train and stoning in class, tired after trngs... ty for all the well wishes and encouragement. and of course my friends, you all know who u are.. for bearing with my angst, for believing in me... tmr, ill be rowing for all of you.

and of course for my team, for OUR DREAM. for us. for this year. for the generations of raffles canoeists who've also dreamed as we had. for holding me up, for teaching me so much, for all your wiseness, for all your strength.

and for you.

not everyone gets to call themself a canoeist. even fewer can call themselves a raffles canoeist. so im immensely thankful to be able to say with pride that im in raffles canoeing.

thank you everyone who wished me happy birthday. although it feels kinda old to be 18. finally, almost an adult. how unfortunate. i rather like being a little kid. was watching the video my dad took of us 15 years ago and was horrified by my childishness. haha, but well, thats to expect of a 3 year old. and on hindsight, i realized that i've always been the most rebellious of the 3. and in many ways naughtier than my sis and my bro, subtly demanding things to go my way... at 18 years old, i hope ill grow wiser. (:

i dont want us to fear.
i want us to smile and fight.

for me really, there is nothing to lose. and perhaps because there is nothing to lose, there is no pressure. because every victory is treasured.

it is such an honour to be on this team. to be a raffles canoeist. (:

tmr, RAFFLES ROWS

final water at macritchie

2007-07-04T21:34:00.000+08:00

today marks the last day that we all walk out from the canteen for water in mac ritchie. everytime we did that, i feel as if i'm part of an army going off to battle. and in a way it is. train to battle against your competitors... against yourself.

the girls were snapping away at their cameras. the guys brought the pro one down. thanks for taking pictures for us (:

but before we complete our water trng at macritchie, the place had one final parting 'gift' for us. lest we be taken unawares by the water conditions at bedok, macritchie granted us with exciting water conditions today. wind and waves. ty (:

we watched the sun slowly disappear into the forest.

after cts

2007-06-28T21:47:00.000+08:00

okay. i just saw my lane draw. till now my hands are still trembling a little. dont think its scared.. just excited... its finally finally here.

cts seemed just like a road block. now then its done and settled, the final goal seems all the more clearer. from today, it is exactly two weeks till the end. TILL THE END. and it is A FIGHT TILL THE END. there is no retreat. no option for surrender... only to fight.

this week has been eventful. start of the week, was met with startling news. like what u said, it makes u wonder why on earth do we still bother abt grades and cts when life is just so fragile. but then again, it also makes u treasure life more. and the ppl and things u go through. perhaps it is all planned. when its time its time.

then my bro came home with more news...

the weeks of mugging really paid off. this is prob the second real mugging i did. first was for h3 test and now for cts 2... im really glad i persevered thrugh the revision exercises for math... and all the many hrs after trng we mugged together... for me, they really made a difference. of course, anything compared to the last ct wld have been good... n well, of course cld have done more like paid more attn in bio class, studied periodicity... but oh heck... its over.

mizuno wave run n shape run have orange shirts! no way will i miss them. (:

倔强

2007-06-18T19:36:00.000+08:00

thank you friends.
for everything. (:

倔强 by 五月天

当我和世界不一样那就让我不一样
坚持对我来说就是以刚克刚
我如果对自己妥协如果对自己说谎
即使别人不原谅我也不能原谅
最美的愿望一定最疯狂
我就是我自己的神在我活的地方

我和我最后的倔强握紧双手绝对不放
下一站是不是天堂就算失望不能绝望
我和我骄傲的倔强我在风中大声的唱
这一次为自己疯狂就这一次我和我的倔强

对爱我的人别紧张我的固执很善良
我的手越肮脏眼神越是发光
你不在乎我的过往看到了我的翅膀
你说被火烧过才能出现凤凰
逆风的方向更适合飞翔
我不怕千万人阻挡只怕自己投降

我和我最后的倔强握紧双手绝对不放
下一站是不是天堂就算失望不能绝望
我和我骄傲的倔强我在风中大声的唱
这一次为自己疯狂就这一次我和我的倔强
就这一次让我大声唱
lalalala...
就算失望不能绝望...
lalalalala...
就这一次我和我的倔强

rage against the dying of the light

2007-06-13T20:48:00.000+08:00

its the third week of june. the days just fly past when you're busy. too soon, the day will come. the day. our day. (:

have been alot better the past 3 days... not right where ill like myself to be but at least the skies are not dark and cloudy and the sun's shining quite warmly. no rainbow yet... but ill take things as they come (:

i know i said it in the other post but ill say it again. no matter what happens, i still love the row. rowing's the 2nd thing i fell in love with... and ill never forget that feeling. right now, its just one step at a time, one small goal after another.

as long as i dont give up. as long as i dont shortchange myself. as long as i dont give in to despair. as long as i know i have no regrets. to row my heart and guts out for the team...

it feels as if we've come a long long way. and we have. we've walked a long journey together... some have left us but for the 12 that have made it through so far... its as if all that we've done is all accumulated to NOW. NOW. everything we've done in the last 18 months... everything boils down to now.

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

- Dylan Thomas

thanks for ur msg (: dint know what time u were flying off... so dint reply... but thanks (: n hope you'll have a safe trip!

tembusu

2007-06-11T20:20:00.000+08:00

on a rare occurence i flipped through the newspaper yesterday and saw an article about tembusus... i looked to the bottom of the article and saw that it was written by dr. shawn lum. (:

and i thought of macritchie... with the ground carpeted with the fragrant pale yellow tembusu flowers. it was almost 2 weeks ago when we discovered their great abundance. they fell from the sky like rain when the wind blew... and we laughed as a few got stuck in our hair... in between lifting all the weights, i played with a few around me, tearing the small petals apart and letting the fragrance colour my rust covered hands...

and i rmb lying on the ground, with dirt on my back and shoulders, just staring up in the sky as the flowers fell to the ground.

...

was reminded of something from the past... something i never really managed to settle with myself. perhaps someday there'll be some resolve and some peace.

white moment

2007-06-04T20:05:00.000+08:00

today while rowing to the 500m mark, i heard music. the sweetest music you could ever hear ... the water singing and the paddle humming in tune.

closing your eyes, you could almost imagine yourself flying across the water.

"At the peak of tremendous and victorious effort, while the blood is pounding in your head, all suddenly comes quiet within you. Everything seems clearer and whiter than ever before, as if great spotlights had been turned on.At that moment, you have the conviction that you contain all the power in the world, that you are capable of everything, that you have wings. There is no more precise moment in life than this, the WHITE MOMENT, and you will work hard for years, just to taste it again." Yuri Vlason

just to taste that white moment again...

long mth of may

2007-06-02T20:11:00.001+08:00

i thought the month of may would never end. so many things happened, the days were so filled and so packed... stretched and pulled. but it was a fulfilling month, and there will likely be few of it in the following months to come.

didn't do anything much other than normal training this week. quite a bit of ice and rubbing... on some days it gets better, really good in fact, on others it just rebels and leaves me stranded. good thing is that it doesn't really affect my row other than the first few strokes...

ahh.. the rows... no matter what happens, i know that a part of me still loves rowing.. will forever love rowing. that glide, that clean cut of the water, that sky... no matter what happens at the start and at the finishing line, i know there are some things i love abt rowing...

one night before water i watched videos again. there was one mens k1 video.. i think it was 500 or 1000... it was very very close. at the very very very last moment just before the tip of the boat crossed the finishing line, the 1st n 2nd rowers stuck their paddle in the water. and i just wondered, if the 2nd guy hadn't done that, cld he have eventually held the gold medal?

for every champion of the race, there are 7 more whose dream of winning that gold drowned in the race course. it made me think abt their long journey as canoeists. people only rmb champions, but for the 7 others behind, they must have gone through countless of ups and downs in their long career as a canoeists. and evertime they fell, they picked themselves up again, putting themselves on the line, putting themselves through the test... some eventually succeeded but for the many who didn't... they continued to try... and it made me think about my own short life as a canoeist...

i think the mind is really a powerful thing. it can build as much as it can destroy.

the days of the week blurred and overlapped with each other. each day felt similar to the previous and yet different. doesn't really help to rmb days of the wk with trng since we train so many days. realized that theres no point setting alarm at so many diff timings, only to wake up disconcerted and anxious.

have allowed my temper to get the better of me the past week or so... snapping at people for no reason, being easily irritable and just generally being poor company.

perhaps i really must learn how to let go. perhaps i do always hold on too tight. sometimes it doesn't help to think so much. just let go of everything and row.

i haven't gotten that feeling in a long time. the feeling of 'i refuse'. i refuse... right now, its just one day by one day. with the big picture hovering over my head, sometimes mocking me, sometimes spurring me on... but... its always there...

one day, i just wanna take a trip down macritchie, sit down on the grassy area near the pontoon and just watch the boats. not to check on the schls or anything. but just to watch people row, see the boats glide thru water in the light of the setting sun...

my left thumb has gotten cut. it coincided with the trngs... funny... i haven't had them for a very long time. used to... then leukoplast... then decided to stop my addiction to leukoplast (or any tape)... it healed. but now its back again...

cut. healing... not entirely healed and then got cut again. perhaps one day after it has gotten cut and healed to many times it'll finally harden and not get hurt anymore... is this what happens to people's heart too? that after too many hurts it hardens... thats a sad thought...

i read a little prince again. i would like to have met this little prince.

sunday was legs and paddles... the CBD area is quiet on weekends... no wonder the govt has plans to bring back ppl into the CBD... and it does make sense... all the infrastructure is there... why waste it. i think it would be nice if we could kayak in the marina reservoir.. altho i think it'll be pretty windy... the view shld be great...

the esplanade area... that place always reminds me of fireworks... such a long time ago when we stood with the rest of the crowd and oohed and aahed at fireworks. it was a magical night... and then one year later i was back... cldn't resist excitement and colours... but it was different... different frm the days we dashed out of the stadium in our black booted shoes and cheered with delight...

today during many of my rows, i just chanted the quote in my head.

"our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure..."

powerful beyond measure...

anything can happen

2007-05-26T16:33:00.000+08:00

no matter what happens, i know that i won't give up halfway. rest assured i'll be fighting all the way. (:

....................................................................................................................

do visit http://redsports.sg/ for reports on rugby, soccer and netball... ytd's newspaper also had reports on this week's games.

water recently has been less than wonderful. i think i've hit a stage where i'm currently more or less stuck at. the good thing is that jl has given me some advice on how to improve my strokes. n also my teamates have given me advice on how to practice strokes. so i believe that as long as i keep working on that, i can keep improving.

one more image to add. the vision of all of us at assembly.

and other broken pictures. the end of my race. the end of elaine n beatrice's race... some things you'll rmb forever. and they keep you going.

...

today i screwed up 1 or 2 500. but after each screw up, i just told myself to leave everything behind. the next stroke, the next row... start afresh.

but then i capped on my 8th burst... was trying to get my direction straight when whoosh i landed hard in the water. and cause bursting can be quite breathless... it took me quite a while to get myself composed. and then i tried to get up onto my boat. and then i rmbed that near the end of trngs i don't really trust my left arm to support much of anything and it took me quite a while to get into the boat.

thanks jo and siti. (:

i really wanted to do it with the team. i didn't want to drop out halfway when i knew i could continue. and i so wanted to do it with everyone. how could i stop when everyone was giving their best.. when everyone was striving and working so hard... for the glory of the team. for our dream.

but thank you all for ur concerns... and i know at the end of the day, we all want the best for everyone.

i think i need to strike a balance. read somewhere that sometimes people who want it the most badly are not the ones to win it. because somtimes its not enough to want it, we still have to train smart, to be strong mentally. to know how to focus and not let it overpower you. to enjoy the row and focus on rowing properly...

anything can happen.

never forget

2007-05-25T19:43:00.000+08:00

was at the busstop with miao when jl sent the msg... 2 mins left with 4 points behind. what followed was a series of short messages in quick succession. time out. 8s left with 3 points behind. and then there were two blank messages...

and then one word said it all.

it was devastating to hear. and i really wished i had gone there to give my little bit of support... because i'll always rmb the days when i walked past the basketball courts to see the girls running up and down the court, aiming for the hoop again and again until they didn't missed.

and even though i wasn't there, i know from the bottom of my heart that they fought till the end. that's the spirit of a rafflesian. (: and no matter what im sure everyone there was very proud of them.

...

this whole week of finals made me realize how much i want it. how much i want our team to stand up there.

you never forget your wins and losses...

you'll never forget this brilliant part of your life.

...

and then i cleared everything away. and then i decided to start on a brand new slate.

champs

2007-05-24T21:58:00.000+08:00

when we heard the results, we erupted into cheers. although we were many many kilometers away and almost half an hour too late, but our happiness was real and complete.

soccer gold
badminton double champs
bowling girls gold
hockey gold

what can i say... im just so happy and proud of all our atheletes. having seen how much hard work they put in, its really great to see their efforts paid off. not saying that the opponents did not work hard.. they did... except there can only be one champion.

in 48 days it will be our turn.

"and today we bring to you canoeing double champs!" wouldn't that b a great announcement to the entire schl by our captains?

muddy hope u dont mind my koping this "IN SCHOOL WE SHOW THEM WHAT A CANOEIST IS. AT MACRITCHIE WE SHOW THEM WHAT A RAFFLESIAN IS."

(:

basketball girls tmr!

champs!

2007-05-23T22:04:00.000+08:00

tennis double champs!

netball champs! first time in 23 years (:

rugby champs!

we all just erupted into cheers when we heard the results.. just so happy for them...

and many people are hitting their pbs...
if they can all do it, i don't see why i can't.

thanks jo for your story (:

for raffles

2007-05-22T18:36:00.000+08:00

"Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence." Vince Lombardi

"Risk more than others think is safe ~ Care more than others think is wise ~ Dream more than others think is practical ~ Expect more than others think is possible." Unknown

"The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotion, spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who have never tasted victory or defeat."Theodore Roosevelt

"There will come a point in the race, when you alone will need to decide. You will need to make a choice. Do you really want it? You will need to decide."Rolf Arands

"At the peak of tremendous and victorious effort, while the blood is pounding in your head, all suddenly comes quiet within you. Everything seems clearer and whiter than ever before, as if great spotlights had been turned on.At that moment, you have the conviction that you contain all the power in the world, that you are capable of everything, that you have wings. There is no more precise moment in life than this, the WHITE MOMENT, and you will work hard for years, just to taste it again."Yuri Vlason

...

this is one exciting week.

theres rugby, tennis, netball finals tmr and bowling, badminton, hockey, soccer on thurs and basketball on fri...

in the past almost 1/2 year of trng, have seen so many other ccas training so hard... and now its just the final leg of the race. 'you never forget your wins and losses'. the fighting spirit, playing the game you love... no matter what the motivations were, as we don the jersey that says raffles, im sure we feel pride in it. and no matter what we're initially training for.. out there, we're fighting for raffles. (:

rafflesians unite we'll show our might
we'll show them how rafflesians fight
we'll walk to the fight in green black white
cause ain't nobody's gonna break our stride
cause we're for we're for raffles ooh raffles aah,
cause we're for we're for raffles ooh raffles aah,
we'll fight in the sun we'll fight in the rain
we'll fight to give our school a name
we'll walk from the game in pride and fame
cause we feel no fear and we feel no pain
cause we're for we're for raffles ooh raffles aah,
cause we're for we're for raffles ooh raffles yeah!

all the best (:
for raffles. (:

2007-05-21T23:16:00.000+08:00

one proposal to go.
3 topics of chem to learn and relearn
one geog mind map to complete
and one sleepless night to endure.

somewhere, something has to go.

i can build sandcastles in the air...
except sooner or latter they'll be washed away by the tides.

holding on.

2007-05-19T16:00:00.000+08:00

"This is the sea"
and this is the team (:

walking across the stadium was wonderful. had only been on it during the ndp marches. and never really had the chance to experience it when it was so quiet and so tranquil. it feels majestic, it feels powerful. sprinting across the track with a thousand echos cheering you on...

...

"Everyone needs to have their moment in the sun, when they raise their arms in victory, knowing that on this day, at this hour, they were at their very best."

"It can't rain all the time, the sky won't fall forever, and though the night seems long, your tears won't fall forever." - It can't rain all the time

"In the story of your life may you write the very best book you can. Have pages on understanding and tales of overcoming hardships, fill your story with romance, adventure, poetry and laughter. Make each chapter refelct time well spent."

"No smile is as beautiful as the one that struggles through the tears." Margaret Fishback Powers
"Every climber fears hitting the ground. but that's what climbing, dancing, and life are all about. fear of falling and just letting go when you have to."

"Teamwork is the fuel that allows common people to produce uncommon results."

“There has never been a great athlete who died not knowing what pain is.” - Bill Bradly

...

i said not every to let water trainings get me down again. i shld have made the same promise to land training.

abit of frustration, abit of fear. frustration that strength needs to be greater and fear of a risk of injury. somehow i need to find that balance. to find that peace from within.

we are all trying to walk the paths of our heros.
for the moment when what we do gains a smile, a nod, recognition from them.
even from you.

thank you for listening. (:

blessed

2007-05-18T19:57:00.000+08:00

my captain wrote a very inspiring post for WO (: she sums everything up so nicely. a while before WO, she told me the story of the guy who refused to lose. and in a way, that was what kept me through a few training and most importantly, the row.

even as i saw the boats pulling in front of me. even as i saw the distance grow, somewhere in my head there was something that shouted... i refuse. i refuse to let it all end here. and i know its something that ill probably play in my head as i row my all important rows in future. thanks for sharing that story. (:

---

there was a few moments this week where i felt truly blessed. in my short going to 18 years of life, i've experienced so much... and best of all, in the last 6 years, what i've learnt is just incredible. and even now, im really lucky to be able to still have the 2 loves of my life. guides and canoeing. its just incredible that i gained so much from both. (:

and when i look at the people i have around me... i just feel super super blessed. (:

"Hold your ground, hold your ground! Sons of Gondor, of Rohan, my brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! " From Lord of the Rings.

Soccer n rugby in finals! yay! raffles fight! (:

---

went for guides today. no matter how tired you are, no matter how much work you have to do... there are some things which you just willingly go through. like canoeing... like guides.

and frankly... today, i was a little worried. things today seemed so different from what they were during my time. it left me wondering for quite a while. what else could we do. and again, the all important question. how much do we interfere, and how much do we let them handle it. after all, they're technically not my kids anymore.

i think 2 or 3 weeks ago, i made them stand there... threw alot of stuff at them to think... gave them a lashing down... today, as i walked back. i decided from now on, i dont wanna have to do that again. may that be the last time that i have to do that. let me believe in them whole-heartedly and let me help them grow.

to see them grow into mature, talented, young women... that's all...

---

thx friends for bearing with my angsting today. was just feeling stuffy and suffocated in the walled classroom. i wish we didn't have air-con and the wind was blowing through room... and then i dearly wished that i could fly to macritchie straight away and row off in bloody mary...

---

你就是我的天使
保护著我的天使
从此我再没有忧伤
你就是我的天使
给我快乐的天使
甚至我学会了飞翔
飞过人间的无常
才懂爱才是宝藏
不管世界变得怎麼样
只要有你就会是天堂

像孩子依赖著肩膀
像眼泪依赖著脸庞
你就像天使一样
给我依赖给我力量
像诗人依赖著月亮
像海豚依赖海洋
你是天使你是天使
你是我最初和最後的天堂

thanks team

2007-05-17T21:56:00.000+08:00

"its something unpredictable, but in the end is right, i hope you had the time of your life." boon sums it up so nicely on the guys' blog.

"if you believe in yourself, believe in your teammates who were there, who is there, who may or may not be there for you in future, then have no regrets in your actions. Work towards what you believe in. Be an inspiration to those around you. Even if you don't receive any official statement, anything tangible, at the end of it all, you can safely say you had already gotten all the all the good you could get out of life in 2 years of Canoeing." -selwyn

heh. i hope he doesn't mind me quoting him. for the full story, check out the guys' blog.

with 8 weeks left (actually less), it seems really hard, but i was just thinking the other day that if we were to throw everything into it, it is possible. anything can happen. and i just wish and hope that everything will turn out fine for all of us. don't lost hope. don't finish the race with regrets.

there is in everyone something that's just waiting to shine. if we would just allow it.

standing at the pullup bar, i wished i had a camera with me. instead, i took a mental picture of the team. a bunch of dedicated, passionate individuals who've fallen in love with the sport and have so much love for each other... laughing and joking n just enjoying each other's company after a hard work out. i guess, that is what i envision a canoeing team to be. (:

theres just something exciting and wonderful when watching my teammates do pullups. even more exciting then if i did them myself...

i admit at the start of trng today, i felt abit of doubt n fear creep in... but all of it was lost in the water as i just threw myself into focusing for every stroke. and it felt so good.

400 and the week's not over yet (:

thanks team for everything.

still believe

2007-05-16T21:15:00.000+08:00

was tired from lack of sleep ytd. and always on weds after lunch i just wanna degen and die somewhere... but today i slept for almost an hour on the small hard canteen bench. thanks friends for the jacket n for staying till i woke up. (:

at the traffic light, i suddenly had this urge to rush down to my boat and start rowing.

2km was okay. not pb but if i keep rowing like this ill hit pb soon. (: 2nd 2km was like quite crap cause i kinda gave up... only at the last 500m then i thought to myself, wth im sure i row this crap timing and then i really start to chiong. hm.. i guess one thing to take away from this is no matter how much lactic i feel n no matter how much my arms/legs/back wanna die, i still must do my best for each row. cause nats is at least 2 rows in one day... so yah, must be prepared for that.

500ms. need to work on end burst. somehow at the last 4 buoys when i try to up frequency my strokes get screwed up... so have to find out why and work on it... i rmb a few rows that were really good so just have to recapture that.

today's water was cool. there was one point in time i felt as if i was one of the characters in 'this is the sea'. the water was that choppy... and then when we finished the last 500m, yang turned to me n said.. u wanna do another one? haha. really reminded me of that huge grin on the kayakers face when they take on another huge wave. that kind of maniacal grin in conquering something thats so challenging and fun...

but for the last 500m lost focus, got hit by wash and ended up 2 buoys on yang's right instead of on her left... -.-"

and i rmb the promise i made myself. no matter wad happens im not gg to let water trng get me down anymore. with so little time left, theres no point getting upset.... wads more impt is to find out wads wrong n go abt changing it.

i think i became really happy after break today... after i heard abt boat 20's row. just very very happy for them. and once again its proof that if you put in the hard work, n u believe n u refuse to give up... u will get results. (: and i just had this vision of all the rjc boats going super fast on the water. (:

everyone in the team has been my inspiration. each and everyone of them has in some way or another contributed to where i am and what i believe in now. all the k1s, the k2s, the ts... not only frm the comps, but frm what they say, what they promise themselves, their strength.

"and as we let our own light shine, we unconciously give others permission to do the same"

they all emit some kind of glow.

and of course the j1s have contributed too... seeing how much they push themselves, what they row for, all their hard work. (:

i guess another happy thing today was the row itself. even though wind abit strong, waves abit big, sun a bit bright, but there was a point in time where it was as if the heavens opened up above macritchie and golden light just shot down in shafts... and it was so beautiful. n also cause today it wasn't so overpopulated...

after wo, i really want to get my strokes right. because thats the nature of the sport. canoeing is simple really... all there is to learn is the strokes... and i wanna get it right because i wanna do justice to the sport... but then also i wanna get stronger. so that ill have the strength to do better in rowing... so that i can do justice to the sport... huh.. its interelated... and i will not be satisfied without either.

and yes, my mum always say im too stubborn... haha...

but one of the best thing is that i think all my weird pains are almost gone! my knee's been really good recently which means can run more (: today at least my arm hasn't protested more than usual and in fact its been pretty good... so yay (:

and its officially 8 weeks more.

and i still believe (:

"Pain? Yes, of course. Racing without pain is not racing. But the pleasure of being ahead outweighed the pain a million times over. To hell with the pain. What's six minutes of pain compared to the pain they're going to feel for the next six months or six decades. You never forget your wins and losses in this sport. YOU NEVER FORGET." -- Brad Alan Lewis from Assault on Lake Casitas

I know what its like to never forget. and i want to have something beautiful to rmb.

2007-05-14T21:53:00.000+08:00

im okay now... really. (: think ytd when i came up i kinda talked to myself. no way am i allowing them to monopolize the sport i love so much. no way am i going to allow them to think they can sweep everything.

and now theres 8 more weeks. and now im making a promise to myself that from now on i will not let trainings get me down. and to make each training the best that it can be. thanks muddy javine & yang for showing us that we are possible.

and thank you (:

2007-05-13T21:46:00.000+08:00

i fought. i really fought. perhaps there was one or two point in time during the race that i felt despair and thought i couldn't make it... but nonetheless i know i clamped it down and believed and fought till the end.

it just wasnt enough.

and when i came up to shore, i dint know how to face the team. kinda like i let them down... not being able to deliver what i wanted to achieve...

could i have rowed faster? definitely. strokes not good. was too preoccupied with going faster i didn't think of strokes... but at that point in time, i gave all that i could give.

i dont wanna make excuses for myself. so what if it was a tough race. if i land in the same situation in nats am i gonna let it just end like that? no. i'm not. during the race i told myself ... no i refuse to let it end like this. i refuse. but it just wasnt enough. at least now i know where i stand. how much more i need to work on. and also on the race itself. how to have enough fight but also row well... n anw, even if i had gone on, i wldn't be where i want to be. i know where my final destination is and right now, im nowhere near it. not yet... not yet. but i know i want to be there. i really want to.

today reminded me of what happened in june 2 years ago.. where i opened up the email of the pga results... these r the only 2 things ive ever wanted so badly in my life. perhaps the diff. is that i know this time i really tried.

"Races are won by those who refuse to be beaten" - unknown

spent

2007-05-10T22:55:00.000+08:00

some point during training today, i wondered if it would ever end. i just hate numbers. i'd rather just row and not have to think of what else i have to row next. but today, i guess i more or less gave whatever i could. for every row, every burst, i tried my damn hardest to do a good one... even though the stupid wind was evil today...

of course, they were not all good mentally and physically. some, no matter how much i tried to increase frequency and row faster, my hands just refused to listen. they just seemed hopelessly stuck in that position even as in my head im yelling at it to go faster... ahh... i dont like that kinda feeling. and i dont ever wanna be caught in a position like that in my race. thats why i wanna find out the cause of it so that i can prevent myself from being in that position.

so now im quite spent.

at the end, i looked out at the beautiful picture painted before my eyes. macritchie is beautiful on a day like this. the clouds were light and fluffy, dotting the blue landscape and in the evening it was a clear sky with a pretty gradient from yellow, orange to pink and red. its a good end to a week of eventful training.

i think im too tired even to think of the upcoming race. the funny thing is during training, im not really thinking abt what im rowing for wo. instead, theres this bigger picture hanging over my head... the bigger more important nats.

isn't that what we're all working for?

my studies are in a pretty big mess... but im determined to clear them up this week.

and i really think that i think too much. perhaps in reality things are just alot simpler.

good.

2007-05-09T22:41:00.000+08:00

today's training was good. not very good, but not bad either (: for the 2km, mentally and in my heart it felt good. rowing and strokes wise during burst and 250s, quite screwed up. partly because of the water and partly becaues my left arm was being rebellious.

team pull up was cool cause a few of us hit pb (: we talked at the playground and when i looked around me i felt blessed to have everyone there in my team. we are so love. talked abt what would happen in 4 days. and i know im rowing for myself, and for them, and for our school. cause we've something to prove, cause "as we let our own light shine, we unconciously give others permission to do the same". cause we know we're capable of achieving so much.

at my last 4 or 5 buoys of the 2km time, i upped my frequency. and even as i did that, i wonder what the heck was i rowing for the past 11 plus mins such that i still had so much energy left to burst nicely at the end... hm.. maybe im getting stronger! (:

if only my knees could be as cooperative. today they were being irritating and annoying. because ytd they were so good, i didn't expect them to revert back to what they were today... grr... should be good and listen to what they're trying to tell me...

...

and i wonder why life is this complicated. and i wonder if it is because i choose to think it as complicated...

raffles row!

2007-05-08T20:34:00.000+08:00

thank you for reminding me what im rowing for.

for my paddle, my boat, my team and a dream.

and also for raffles. to prove to people who disbelieve that we can make it. to prove to myself that i can do this. as a team, we will do what we believe in and we will make everyone proud of us. (:

RAFFLES ROW!

2007-05-08T19:02:00.000+08:00

the closer it is to the day, the less i wanna think about it. it give me jitters, it puts negative thoughts into my head. so i sidestep the issue. so i do anything else but think of that.

i wanna go in with no fear. i wanna go in with fight and fire. i wanna row a beautiful race, one that i'll rmb for many years to come. JIAYOU. theres nothing to lose and everything to achieve.

2 more water before the real thing.

...

20mins ytd. i lost count of how many 'rounds' i did. didn't sprint up the slope... decided that it would not be wise to do that, so just stuck to flat ground. the run was good. best thing's that my knees behaved normally after that. or rather, it didn't behave abnormally. much better than last week. (: hopefully this means that i can advance to more runs and for longer periods of time soon.

how i miss running. that mindless release... drinking in the sights and the sounds of the world as the ground disappears beneath your feet. used to run when i was upset or when i needed to think... now, its only short runs. but well, better to solve the problem now then let it aggravate. im still running my 42.195 at the end of the year. (:

no runs, but found a new happy thing. the cycling machine! its super cool. i never thought cycling could make you work out so much, but 30 mins in the gym proved me wrong. its not so full body-work out as running (i think) but its good enough. and im thinking it could be good for the legs...

...

and all i see are shadows from retreating backs moving further and further away...

perhaps i think too much

rows n races

2007-05-05T18:31:00.000+08:00

woke up from a 3 hour nap at 6. sat up for a moment wondering y it was so dark at 6am in the morn. took me a while to realize it was 6 in the eve. sat's not over yet...

was plagued by a not so nice dream. it seems somewhat familiar. something about escaping from someone/something, secret doors and tunnels, sliding down a chute in some room and opening a trap door. only this time the trap door couldn't open and so was stuck in a claustrophobic position. yucks. disgusting.

theres i reason why i love looking out at the seas, why i love miles of green flat land and the wide expanse of sky. mountains are too oppressive. rooms are too confined. if given a choice i would sleep with the sky as my blanket every night.

sometimes i think we put too much stress on ourselves. i know im very guilty of that. and also of thinking too much. today my race plan failed me. it failed me mentally. the good thing is that at least i know.

i couldn't find back that feeling today. havent had it for the past 3 trainings. for me theres a very big difference between rowing and racing. today for the 1km, i rowed, not raced. the thing about races is that it demands 100%, physically but also mentally. but today, there was neither. and its just so disappointing and upsetting that i didn't try to push myself to reach that state.

the heart and the mind was so empty its scary.

perhaps i think too much. would be better if every 'race' i start with that wonderful positive powerful feeling and max out all the way to the end.

i wanna find back that fire...

races aside.. the rows were good. felt my strokes becoming better for bursts. not so anyhow...

WO is in 8 days!

mystery of the knee solved

2007-05-04T19:58:00.000+08:00

right. so i finally heeded the advice of my teamates and consulted a specialist. so now the mystery is clear. its nothing serious, just a misalignment of the kneecap. it'll be a pretty long road to recovery but at least now i know what's wrong so i can monitor myself.

runs are permitted but its up to myself to evaluate how much i can do...

was given lots of stats about the pressure you put on your knee cap when you do various stuff like running, stairs, inclined steps etc etc... cycling is good. cycling got no side effects. (: oh, and i guess its more of the rowing machine for me too.

...

weather's been erratic recently. sweltering hot one moment and then lightning and thunder in the next.

as of tomorrow it is 8 more days to women's open. gotta start visualizing and getting mentally prepped up soon.

believe

2007-05-03T22:36:00.000+08:00

whee. surprisingly not feeling zonked out now, even though this morning was quite bad. woke up and was stuck in bed for a few seconds while my aching body protested and the tight muscles took their time to slowly stretch into position. somehow i manged to get through lessons... today i suddenly had a craving for broccoli! then while getting my broccoli i was inspired to eat kangkong! so that's like a lot of veg for the day.

took an almost half an hour nap in the canteen. i wish they had wider benches... kinda reminds me of last year june when we all koed on the benches after trng before our study sessions. 2 benches joined together. (:

past two trainings have been okay i guess. its not fun rowing with mucus stuck in your nose and not fun rowing when you don't feel 100% well. but today was alot better than ytd. (: all the same, i can't help feeling that they weren't maxed out trainings. at least not mentally. in alot of ways... up there could have been stronger. more fire, more fight, more determination, more positive thoughts. past two trainings those feelings were in short supply...

was talking abt stuff... then the subject of 'rowing your best' came up. for a long time my goal was to row my best. but recent events have set me thinking. esp about how there is no 'best'.

"But because there is no such thing as the perfect race (Phelps found some error of stroke rhythm or turn technique in his races in Melbourne, some imperfection in reaction time at the start), man can only go faster. " from some article in the newspaper.

theres no really such thing as rowing your best because after every pb, after every breakthrough, you're just heading for the next best thing. the next best timing, the next best row.... so really, 'best' is not an endpoint. rather, it is the step before achieveing something greater.

for now, i'll satisfy with finding back that exhileration from the row. the feeling of having exhausted every muscle fibre, that fire and burning desire to row well, that BELIEVE and absence of fear and doubt and the sweet taste of victory when the boat crosses first. (:

even though there was something lacking, it was nonetheless good rows. especially for today. probably one of the first few trainings that i felt i rowed properly for the entire trng. alot of the times it was just whacking water, or not pulling properly, or not using the back, or not kicking. but today, the strokes felt good. and also picked up a few points to improve on... which means potential to go even faster!

sometimes reality kicks in. was looking around in the water. the facts are laid out clear. truth is laid bare in the water. and sometimes you wonder. but then again, why be afraid of your opponents? they are there so that you can go faster. at the end of the day we're fighting for the same thing... in the end, its a battle between fear and what you believe in. (: maybe as one person its a little hard... but the best part is that we have each other. we have the team (:

as of today it is 69 days. thats less than 10 weeks.

...

today, when we were rowing to 1k mark, i caught a disctinctive whiff of the smell of watermelon. it was just so unexpected and such a treat from the otherwise smell of macritchie water that it penetrated through my concentration for a while.

the view is gorgeous. and i wished i had my camera with me.

wished that we live in a world where everyone says what the mean and mean what they say. where there is no hipocrisy, where people speak the truth and where everyone is free. where dreams are held by belief and where love is true. where children don't go hungry and where there's no politics. where couples grow old and have white hair together, where people believe in true love and don't throw the word all over the place like they mean it when they don't actually. where we can watch sunrise and sunset everyday and marvel at its beauty over and over again. where the seas are bountiful and the lands are thriving. where rivers run their natural courses and wildlife and humans live in harmony. where people pursuit knowledge for their own sakes and little kids have no worries. where i fly across the water on my boat (:

sounds difficult, but one thing ive learned this year is to believe. and i believe it is possible. (:

...

为什么不想看到的却一直出现在面前？如果这一辈子能够再也见不到你，那将会是多么痛快的事。因为，你，让我感到恶心。

反而是想看到的却始终等不到，只是一直傻傻地等着。等到了也什么都不敢做，只会在旁边默默地看着。

sick

2007-05-01T19:11:00.000+08:00

sigh. i dislike being sick. haven't fallen ill since that time in laos. and that was only fever. and well, supposed to catch up on studies which are in desperate need of help and finally go out for a class outing... but all my plans just fell through today.

just hope to be well enough to row properly tomorrow.

was updating my training log and counting the days. 71 days seems long. 10 weeks seems much shorter. when you count it in terms of months you realize how little time there is left. right now, it is not the time for us to doubt ourselves, it is not the time for us to crumble away and fade into nothingness. that's not saying its not alright for us to fall and break down. what im saying is that nows the time to draw strength from everyone and everywhere. nows the time that when we fall and break, we stand up again much stronger and move on. lets be there for everyone and let everyone be there for us.

exco

2007-04-30T23:20:00.000+08:00

not feeling very well right now. maybe thats why couldnt concentrate much in lessons today. something was just nagging at me... not tip-top condition.

anw, happy birthday to the two darlings! (: dear hannah walked miles and miles to look for nice stuff for both of them. dont know how she does it... while i just lagged behind and degened and died... haha...

today gym we did something different. we challenged ourselves further. not that we dont each trng but today we took it a step further. i like gyming with van (: 16 reps, heavier weights. i stood in front of the lat pull machine and i actually felt dread filling me. dread and fear. quite hilarious to be frightened of a piece of metal. but anw, its easier if you dont think about it and think instead about how you're going to finish it.

for the 10 reps i know i looked at the key sitting nicely on the plate and the thought that i was mad flashed across my head. thanks van for the help with resisting and lifting... heavy weights is easier cause its less reps but its the thought of the no. of plates that is daunting. commented that we're abit pyscho cause we get super happy when we can increase plate... but java replied that its cause its a confirmation that our hard work has given results...

exco results revealed today. we spent many hours deliberating on it. and in doing so, our priorities and values became clearer. at the end of the day, we all want the best for their team and more importantly for rjcanoeing in the long run. just by being interviewed means its a vote of trust from your teamates. being in exco is an opportunity for your plus points to be put into use for serving others. but not being in exco doesnt mean you're not capable or stuff.. its just wads best for the team in the end.

standing at the bottom of the steps, looking at them, saw them as j2s. not as my dearest team but as j2s. saw everything from how an outsider would look at them. wondered if our j2s had felt the same too... so fast.... so fast...

and once again i feel blessed to have the 11 of them. so now its time for the j1s to form their own team. to build the team they wish to see. i hope they dont try to build our team, because every batch is diff. and im sure there r stuff they can improve on frm our year. hope that they'll carry on the canoeing spirit till the next year and fire that passion in the subsequent years...

i really miss sitting down with all of them. after the team runs. watching the sun set. watching the clouds turn pink orange, yellow and finally blue. running till the track turned black. running in the dark till some smart fellow turned on the lights of the specs gal. running. running. running. i miss running. ):

grrr... throat pain. dont wanna be sick ):

water trng

2007-04-28T18:20:00.000+08:00

woke up around 5 plus to man's msg. someone (prob my mum) had helped closed the windows. even so, the heavy rain outside made the room cold. rain. it disrupts training. knew that no matter how hard it was raining now, we would still be at macritchie at 700. and somehow, i knew the heavens would stop its showers by then.

weather was cold. but not as cold as wednesday. i think a few people fell sick bcoz of that. my windbreaker was in the wash, so i pulled over the green befriender shirt and hopped onto the bus. slept all the way until the traffic light. woke up with a start and realize i was already at macritchie.

boat 19 has a hole. ):

by the time we finished our stretches, the rain had stopped almost completely. i almost wished it hadn't. i missed the weepy rains that accompanied our trainings. they bring back nostalgic memories of last year june, j1s. rowing k2 with van/shawna, the unrelenting drizzle. and the slight chill that followed after we got out of the water.

today, the rain reinforced once again that nats is drawing near. that this year is our year. that while last year i watched at the sidelines as the snrs battled their hearts and body out, this year, we would be the ones doing so. is it 74 days now? 2 weeks and 1 day to WO.

truthfully, today's water passed in a blur. too fast. perhaps part of my mind wasn't even there. it was just so concentrated on rowing that the 'memory' part was overshadowed.

hm... lets see, i rmb the warm ups being pretty painful. not super painful but just never-ending. i rmb the battery died at the start of our 1km. yang started us off. the part between the start and approaching 500m is absent in my memory. i only recall seeing the 500m buoy and wondering why i still have so much more to go. oh, now i rmb turning to see boats by my side. and i rmb yang's boat in front, n me thinking that its still less than one buoy's diff.

fast forward. the next picture was one at around 250. saw the finishing line and said to myself 'up frequency'. i think i was dying at the last few buoys so even as i told myself to chiong all the way to the end, i could feel my frequency slowing down. and then as suddenly as it had started, it was over.

i dont really rmb the 500m rows. all i rmb was the start and the end. and the 2nd one which jl timed. where i crossed with 3 or 4 other boats and jl rattled off timings so fast i cldn't catch mine. i wonder what was my exact timing. but it doesn't really matter.

250s were exciting. i think it was after the first 250 that i decided... that's it, if i keep on rowing like this, im not going to go anywhere. no fight. no fire. or rather, there was the fight and that fire, but there was also fear and doubt. and when you row without the conviction that anything is possible, you begin to impose boundaries and limits on yourself.

so i psyched myself up and talked alot of crap with the other boats. smth abt im going to own them n stuff. pumped up. psyched up. 2nd 250 was good. 3rd 250 was not in a proper lane, direction got screwed up, mental died. not good. not good. cant afford that in a race. 4th 250, challenge again! thx xm for being to cooperative.

basically i said 'ximi im going to own you!' then she said 'ok loh!' in a very disbeleiving tone. so we decided to fight it out. start burst. nice. first 10 strokes still could see her boat in the corner but after that lost her. maintainance... or rather slower burst. not too bad. until abt 6 buoys that i became tired... and saw her boat creeping up. rmb thinking to myself, 'cannot! i made a promise to ximi tt i'll own her! cannot break my promise'. haha... quite funny. so clenched my teeth, held on to my strokes, tried my hardest to burst... and finally... crossed the buoy.

the last part i looked over. it was a diff of a few centimetres. prob less than half a second. but frm where i was it looked like she crossed first. nevertheless, it was a good fight. (:

...

today, had another realization. i row because i love the row. the water, the boat, the glide. that kind of freedom. but its diff from the reason why i race. for now, i race because i want that kind of satisfaction and triumphant feeling achieved from clearing the buoys knowing that ive done a good row.

that aside. im thinking that its very hard to know if one had done his/her best. so before i discover how that can be done, ill just be satisfied with the adrenaline rush from crossing the buoys with the feeling that i just flew.

fears

2007-04-27T20:46:00.000+08:00

i am not without my fears. sometimes it surfaces and doubt creeps into my mind. but then i'll take a deep breath and draw strength from experiences, thoughts n of course the people around me.

"The tragedy of life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach. It isn't a calamity to die with dreams unfulfilled, but it is a calamity not to dream. It is not a disaster to be unable to capture your ideal, but it is a disaster to have no ideal to capture. It is not a disgrace not to reach the stars, but it is a disgrace to have no stars to reach for." - Dr. Benjamin Mays

it is not a tragedy to not succeed. but it is a tragedy if at the end of the day i shortchange myself... if i end with regrets...

"there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that others do not feel insecure around you. we were all meant to shine as children do. we were born to make manifest the glory of god that is within all of us."

...

i must have been silly to have waited so long...