Thursday, July 12, 2007
its almost 11. a thousand thoughts just ran through my head, are still running in fact. and i wonder where to start...
lets start with the congratulations.
congratulations to jolene! and lulu! for getting third in t1 1000m and c1 500m respectively. congratulations to njc guys/girls for winning the team gold, to hwachong girls and guys for winning the team silver, for acs i (boys) and pjc (girls) for winning the team bronze. and acjc for winning 4th for boys and girls.
go back alittle in time... i blogged very little this past 1 mth plus before nationals. actually there were alot of things i wanted to say. june was one of the longest month i had. training wasn't going well, my spirits were spiralling dangerously low... i dint wanna talk abt depressing stuff on my blog so i chose not to write anything instead.
and as the last 3 days approached, i talked to people who said very sensible stuff that normally i shld have known but their saying it made me more focus on what i had to do. one week before 10th july, jiaolian basically said my strokes sux and i was rowing rubbish. of course not in those words... but that really got me down. but with so little time left till nats, i tried my hardest to throw them aside and instead focus on what all of you have been telling me.
so i watched videos, i threw aside my 'bad' trngs. i threw aside the bad rows i had with the horrible right wind at bedok. everydays i swung my arms and moved my shoulders, just waiting for things to click and willing the strokes to find themselves.
and all too soon it was nats week.
pre natswe were supposed to have a gd shot at 2nd. if all had gone well by jiaolian's prediction we shld have claimed the silver. we were gunning for gold. we were going out for the 'kill', for our dreams. we were rowing with 'belief', we were rowing to win. but most of all, we vowed to fight. we vowed to unleash. we vowed to show what a rafflesian is.
nats day 1reached arnd 730. got mary out, went down to paddle. there were heck lot of people. the lanes were freaking crooked. oh, u cant tell frm the end pt, but at the starting line at 1000m when u look down the lanes, u sometimes look down the wrong lane. at 500m the line turns at some weird angle. rowed 4km with 4 start burst. went up. we watched jo clear her heats. we watched selene clear her heats and we cheered for her brave row. we watched et and hannah crash out. n my heart wept for them because i knew they had put in their best, but it just wasn't meant to be. i went down during siau rui's race. told myself i had visualized this so many times before. had quite a while to wait at the start line. thats when i started getting nervous. but i talked to myself and promised that if this was gg to be the last time i was rowing mary ill make sure its a damn good row. told myself not to fear because all i wanted from myself was to do my best. and so i just had to defeat myself, which ive already done many times before... even tho results are important, but i knew if i thought abt the results ill get stressed. so instead i focus on just giving all that i cld...
my heat was easy. all the same, the feeling of crossing the line first is really shiok and i'll treasure that moment for a long time to come. man said that when i burst i suddenly rowed better and i was really happy. siaurui, van made it thru too.
for the guys thousand guoren n shenglin made it thru the heats. and later so did peter.
and then it was the girls 500. muddy n javine's race was a shock for us. not because they didn't row well... they did row well. we found out later that there was some disorientation at the start that cost them a gd start tt wld have given them an edge over the rest and possibly a place in the next race. it was hearbreaking, knowing how hard they've worked. knowing how much it meant to them, knowing how they tried their best but the result just didn't show. and i think a big part of us just wondered, why. why. and why. was it because the heat had the eventual 1st 2nd, 4th boat? why? yang cleared. ge cleared. deb and meera cleared. manda cleared. and xinmiao cleared. i rmb ximi's race clearly. i rmb watching her every stroke. only a canoeist will know how much pain/effort it takes to burst and continue bursting at the last part when ur body is screaming in protest. and i saw her push it thru even tho at the final part it was already so hard. and the k4 cleared. that one respect. they braced so many times yet they cleared it so nicely. well done to our j1s.
james cleared. liangjie cleared, marcus shenghao cleared, chinx/victor n justin/seetoh cleared. ky cleared. lulu cleared. shawn n eugene's race was another heartbreaking one. one that we watched with the setting sun. one that we eventually had to accept and move on.
nats day 2came down at abt 1130. found the races pushed back. waited for lunch break to go down and row. i was in lane 4. the last row of buoys had 7 lanes while the 2nd last buoys had 6 lanes. made sure i counted very carefully and checked that i was in the correct position. finish my row, went up. as i prepared to go down, i realized even though this time the mindset was still the same - row the race of my life, have fun and dont give anything less than the best, dont give up fighting for the team... but this time, i wanted the finals. i wanted the finals so badly at some points it threathened to overwhelm. i wanted the pts for my team, for jl. i wanted to msg my frens to tell them i got into finals! and then i took deep breaths and i thought of my race. the race i want to do. my perfect race. no pressure. no nth. rowed out in bloody mary and i talked to her. said that it may be the last time im rowing her, thanked her for all that she'd given me, and then i said, lets do it together. lets fly across the water as if we'll nv have the chance to do it again.
again at the start line, i tempered down the fear. all too soon, the horn sounded and we were gone. i think right from the start i was lagging behind. victoria charged forth and soon there were 3 boats in my peripheral vision. (excluding victoria) and when i saw them, i just told myself, come on joohui, row the race of ur life, fly across the water and row this race without regret. so i made it all the way past 500m, without cutting lanes (which is kinda a miracle because i always cut lanes at macritchie), and then i approached 200m. i was still way behind. and as i neared, i heard people shouting... a small part of me wanted to give in then... wanted to say, its impossible, i can't catch up. but i heard ppl shouting n i just assumed they were shouting for me and my teammates flashed across my mind (when u're rowing sometimes small thoughts just bombard across the mind) and the last part, i just wanted to fight it out for them. as long as theres a little bit of chance ill fight for them, fight for our dream. fight for our effort. fight for our team. in the end it still wasn't enough. and when i crossed the buoy it felt like women's open all over again. when it seemed as if the best u gave at that time just isn't enough. stubborn me refused to let anyone carry bloody mary. and i lay her down to rest and i told her thanks for everything, for letting me fly across one last time, sorry we cldn't have one last row together.
and then i had to face my team. i think man told me i rowed really well.... later, we saw jo clear her semis and omg i was some leaky tap that day. when she came up we both started crying because i know how much it mean to her and she knew how much it mean to me and we all knew how much it mean to the team. but most of all i was so happy she gave her all to it and she got the results she deserved. van and shawna cleared too. and it was the same feeling i had for them. just super glad that their best effort paid off. then it was yang's race. and omg, she totally owned the rest. we hung arnd the results board a long time. and i rmb when that guy put up the paper, my eyes immediately zeroed in on that 2 letters that looked so out of place on the board. man and i just stoned there a long time. then we decided to walk over to tell jiaolian.
b4 we said anything, jl looked at me a long time and he basically said that i had completed my task and i think he said i rowed not bad or smth to that extent. today when i looked at the video of my row, i realized what my teamates have been saying is really true. that final race i rowed... my strokes were really nice. after so many months of struggling to get the proper stroke, i nv cld have dreamed that i wld be able to row like that. it looked cool, it looked pro. it looked like what yang rows and smth that i've always wished i cld. so perhaps, in that, it was a miracle for me already.... when one week ago i dont think i was anything near there.
when we told jiaolian, he was in shock for a while. and then he looked away and stared at the lanes instead. and that day, i thought yang and jiaolian were the strongest people arnd. for when yang knew abt it, she stood firm and calm, like some rock in the strongest wind. she thought abt it, pondered it, listened to what mr go had to say and then accepted it. jiaolian is as cool or even cooler because he had to suffer one more blow. cj's c1 got dq cause it was too light and james' boat got dq because the bag of rock that was placed in the boat fell out before he entered the water. and yet jiaolian stood firm, he accepted the facts/results/circumstance and ill nv forget that when he left he turned to smile and wave goodbye at us. that to me, is a testamen of his strong character.
later we would gravitate to a circle, with our arms arnd each other. and we asked, why, why and why. and we accpeted it that God had something to tell us. we watched facing the giants together. when we win, we praise Him, when we lose we praise Him. It was so hard. so hard to accept what had happened. i think the last time i cried this bad was 2 years ago when i got the results of PGA. that time, i wondered if i did my best... this time, i knew we had tried so bloody hard, accepting defeat was just such a diffcult lesson. we told ourselves to hold our heads high. we tried, we really did. we fought. as hard as we cld. it wasn't enough. luck wasn't on our side. we talked a long time before we went home.
nats day 3i really think jiaolian is cool. ytd, he had so many boats frm sji dq because of silly reasons like too light and go out of lane. in the afternoon he had yang, james and his cj c boat dq... it must be really hard on him.. yet he put on such a careless front for all of us. in our hearts we knew it mattered alot to him.
in the morning, we watched sji. if i were a guy, i wld join sji and i wld join canoeing. watching them, i wonder if they know how lucky i think they are. if they fall once in c div, they always have b div and they'll always have jc years to row. for some of us, its once in a lifetime. like me, i havent decided if ill continue rowing. rj and cj both cheered for sji. and we all agreed that it is heartbreaking to see little boys cry. and me and van's inspiration is still an inspiration.
for jo's race, everyone looked on par... then as we neared 200m, we shouted jo burst jo burst... our hearts and lungs nearly burst... we watch her get closer and closer to the finishing line. we watched, we screamed, we shouted... and she crossed... third. and oh gosh, i was so happy for her. she did it. she did it for us. for all of us. she did it for herself too. she deserved it. at the last part we all knew she was dying... we were all in her position before, but she pushed all the way, fought till the very end and she got results. and it was just so good...
girls k1 was well done also. i think siaurui had a very good row and no matter what selene says, we're so very proud of her... we watch van and shawna row the best race of their lives too. altho the results probably weren't what they wanted, but it was a good row, and thats what matters. that we fight fight fight and that we don't give, we don't give in. ximi and manda also rowed very good race. it really look like very very good races to me. we cheered for stacy for her race too... and i think if u've done ur best at that time... its alright.
k4 was another exciting race. i must say our j1s are super pro-ded... they have such potential to go so far. as long as they believe and hold on to their dreams. and im so happy for them, because just before nationals they were having quite a tough time... yet they held on to their guts/composure/belief... whatever and fought it out for raffles.
i think for me the hardest part today was the awards ceremony. having to stand there, hear the schools taking away the medals, hear the team awards being given away. rj didn't even get mentioned. it was heartbreaking, it was hard to bear. medals and awards that cld so easily have gone to my teammates who had worked to hard... but im not ashamed of bearing 'raffles canoeing' on my back. we trained hard, we fought, we really did. but like what muddy said, in this past 3 days, other schls were better than us at bedok. and so we lost, and we'll accept it... maybe not immediately, mayb we still got some stuff to settle, but eventually we will.
i must really say that theres no hard feelings between me and the other schls. of course some resentment... but i know too that they've trained very hard. how can i not know when we train at the same lovely place called macritchie... canoeists in almost every other schl are somewhat similar... with differences of course.
busride back and macritchieduring the bus ride back, i thought again and again. why why does all the bad luck have to happen to us this year. what went wrong? did we not train enough. was our strategy wrong? what was wrong? is it wrong to dream, was it wrong for us to believe? and someone reminded me of what i said...
"The tragedy of life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach. It isn't a calamity to die with dreams unfilled, but it is a calamity not to dream. It is not disgrace to reach the stars, but it is a disgrace to have no stars to reach for" - Benjamin E Mays
and even if all our dreams were shattered, reduced to dust. at least we dreamed. if we hadn't dreamed and we did win, what wld we have learned? i think i n the past 3 days we were forced to grow up. the now more than half of us who are 18 and the 5 of us who wld be 18 in 6 more mths had to suddenly deal with a huge setback. perhaps this is the lesson we are supposed to learn. perhaps.
although if you asked me, what went wrong, i cld say for myself, there were many things i cld have done. rowed faster during my race. fought the mj/nj boat... not allowed myself to get disheartened by back trainings and let my mood spiral down, watched more videos, do more dry strokes... trained more and more and more... if u asked what more cld have been done, i wld have said, have it at macritchie, have more water trngs... (not the 2 or 3 we have per week but like 4/5/6 times that the other schls were having closer to nats)... but... all that has been done. and nth cld b changed. for the circumstance, we work with what we have, we work within our constrains. for myself, thats something that only i and my teammates will have to resolve within ourselves.
right frm the very start, we were a bunch that wanted to give it our all for the dream. even if it meant waking up at 530 every day during the hols to reach mr at 7am in the morning. no matter how hard it was, we were willing to do it. we treasured every single minute of water time we had... they were had to come by and we understood and accepted that. while other schools went down every other day, we cld only watch in envy, and carried our strategy at the playground and with sji's weights.
i think i resolved most of the stuff i had on my mind when we were walking from macritchie to school. i mean, the bestest part that nobody cld take away, that no medal cld bring, that i wldn't trade for anything was the 11 girls i had around me. rjc canoeing 2006 and 2007. i wldn't trade that for anything in the world. anything at all. and in the past 3 days, i've seen how strong we've become, how we sorta grew even older overnight. we've faced defeat. stared it in the eye. we've walked away heads high. i faced the worst thru the awards ceremony and im glad muddy took me to shake the hands of the captains of the winning teams. they deserved it as much as i wished and felt that it cld have been ours...
we can't control bedok. we can't control the lanes. we can't control the luck that ran out on us. we put our trust and faith in Him, theres something that we're supposed to learn from this. i guess we'll eventually know. right now, its a matter of facing the schl and the repurcussions.
aftermath i ate 4 slices of pizza. i felt like a pig. what will happen after this. how will rj admin react. on paper it will seem as if we lost. we were damn screwed up. we fouled up everything... we're useless... but i would say for our team that we've accepted that. we've discovered what it is to row without fear. i think most of us for our races we rowed fearlessly... i think most of us rowed fantastic races we probably nv thought we cld. or if not this time then one pt in time in the past 1 and a half years. "we fight in the sun we fight in the rain... we fight to give our school a name." if the rafflesian spirit is about fighting, i wld say we did that. with all my heart i'll say we did that. if its not enough for the schl, then so be it. with what we have, with the constrains, with a wonderful coach and a wonderful team, we did what we did...
to the j1s. one year isn't very long. neither is it very short. its easy to lose sight of the final goal. the final destination. after this year, you all might think its not worth it to fight for dreams. after all we fought and we nv got it. but what ill like to say is that dreams ARE worth fighting for. because no matter what the results are, either way u've won. u'll have grown, u'll have learnt things, u'll have discovered urself. so go ahead and dream. altho its not enough to just dream. translate ur dreams into actions. thats when you dont lose sight of ur final destination. itas easy to lose focus, there are many distracting things... but if u want something badly enough u'll find it within u and within ur teamates to carry on... and finally, the road ahead may not be a smooth time. sometimes everything seems so dreary and impossible... and u feel that hope is gone, u wanna give up. but if u still continue to go for trng, if u r still paddling, then not all that hope and dream is extinguished. its just buried inside u... waiting for u to pick up the pieces arnd u and continue to fight and continue to work hard for ur goal. it doesn't rain forever. and even if it does, so be it... u'll fight in the rain.
2 years ago i learnt a hard lesson. if u want something badly, never give anything less than ur best lest u regret. in the past 3 days, i have to learn that sometimes when u want something badly, when u've given what u think is the best to it, u discover its not enough. circumstances prevent u frm getting what you've worked for. how do u accept it? how do u learn to accept to graciously and move on. how do u pick urself up and hold ur head high. that is what i have learnt.
thank you to everyone who've helped raffles canoeing... not just me but my teamates.
to all canoeists, well done to those who've won. ur hard work paid off. to those who have not. look inside and ask urself if you've done ur best, if u have any regrets. at the same time, dont be over critical and kill urself over it... thats smth i have to learn to do also... and if not, to those who have a 2nd shock at it, make sure the next time u're racing, u're rowing the best race of ur lives.
ty to all canoeists frm other schls who made trng and fighting for a dream worthwhile. (:
and ty to my teammates. i love you girls loads and loads and loads.
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played at the bar just for fun. someone said she'll cry the day she discover she can't do pull ups. n i rmb the 400 pull ups i did in one week, therefore straining my bicep.. haha, not very smart. and i rmb the 30 40 min runs i used to do 3 times a week until my leg piak... not very smart too.. but then im always stubborn abt these kinda things... the 9 10 11 plates (did we hit 12?) of lat pulls we did. the (6 7 did we hit 8?) plates of lat rows we did. the 1000 push ups in one trng.... the lord of the rings trng we had...
"this summer seems to last forever, and if i had a choice, i knew that it was now or never,
those were the best days of my life."
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joo spoke
@ |10:46 PM|
